Sunny Days and Rainy Nights

Dwight D., Ed.D.

2012-02-16T01:09:00.000-06:00

fiff T. fore [cards in a deck]

whoa. this man.

in a world of absent, distant, abusive, neglectful, and just plain terrible fathers,

i got pretty darn lucky.

or blessed, really.

i've only known him about 38.888888888888% of his life,

but those twenty-one years have been filled with some really quality stuff -

corny puns and math lessons making the list. the bottom of it, though. winkface.

i praise Jesus for the rest.

happy birthday to my favorite male quinquagenarian! [<---from whom i inherited this nerdiness. i say this out of love.]

"Valentime's."

2012-02-14T11:03:00.000-06:00

-me, age 5

I have been single for the past 21 February 14ths, and I'm okay with that number. For now.

Ausfall.

2012-02-08T00:20:00.000-06:00

our flesh and our cultural milieu are telling us to do everything we can

to be better than everyone else.

i have listened far too closely.

gross.

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

-Philippians 2:3-4

diem insolitus

2012-02-04T22:59:00.002-06:00

lazy saturday meets

just plain weird. and a bit sad.

but good stuff mixed in.

humanity at its best and worst in minutes. both still needing a savior.

it would be a difficult day to recreate.

it was almost like watching a movie -

a very indie movie.

bizarre. pizarro, francisco. discovered peru.

i am off my rocker.

i am. i'm in a spinny office chair.

my sleep/eat schedule made no sense,

and now all i want to do

is eat carrots and celery in my sleep.

i'll stop sounding like a schizophrenic now

and go to bed

without carrots or celery.

but, that's okay. i'll probably dream about them, at this rate.

learn. unlearn. relearn.

2012-01-29T23:54:00.000-06:00

1. you learn an important lesson. your life is changed by a new truth (i.e. something from the Bible, where super-cool truth is found). you seek to live by it.

2. time passes. your mental knowledge of the truth remains, but your discipline in it falters. gradually, you start living as though you don't know the truth anymore, even though you do know it; it's just out of sight, out of mind.

3. you complain about your life to friends. they lovingly remind you of this truth. your pride makes you angry and bitter because you already knew this truth, and you feel like you're being treated like a juvenile for being reminded of it.

4. you realize that you really did need to hear it again.

being okay

2012-01-23T21:49:00.001-06:00

the lessons continue to be learned,

and they transform your life

more and more and more.

you find that His ways

can brake even the most tumultuous of roller coasters.

you find that His peace can overwhelm

the most anxious, insecure thoughts and feelings.

even when you thought for sure that it wouldn't,

the hyperalgesia begins to subside.

things that would have harrowed you to the core

a few weeks ago

are now seen through far clearer lenses

and easily put in their place.

you find yourself laughing at things

that would have tangled your heartstrings into hopeless knots

and deprived you of sleep just last month.

this change ain't no work of the flesh.

of that, you're more than sure.

and you continue to laugh,

because thanks to Him,

you're okay.

man. manch. manchester.

2012-01-21T21:42:00.002-06:00

this actually happened. what?

wait, really?

a year ago today, i flew there. lived there. for half a year.

sitting here and thinking about it,

it doesn't seem real.

jamais vu, if i've ever experienced it.

yet, when i stare long and hard at the pictures

or quickly zoom in on that island

to oxford road,

things begin to stir -

images, thoughts, feelings,

wonderful and horrible.

excitement and discomfort.

though i can't quite describe all of the ways,

the place and time run deep.

inhaling today's chilly air

was all the indication i needed.

be okay, pt. III

2012-01-16T21:39:00.002-06:00

you don't have total control over how others feel.

that's the reality.

yes, your actions can certainly contribute;

thus, be Christlike in how you treat others, as you are commanded.

love. forgive. speak truth.

seek reconciliation where it has yet to be found.

go as far as it depends on you -

and there's the thing. at a point, it won't depend on you any longer.

people may still want to see the world burn, and you with it.

people may still want to darken your days with a monstrous grudge.

at that point, it's on them.

you know full well. you've been on that side of things before.

don't let anyone's malice ensnare your joy.

He took that hit a couple thousand years ago

and saved you from it.

do be sensitive of the feelings of others,

but don't live, breathe, or swear by them.

seal yourself instead to your place

as a child of the most royal royalty, ever.

then, be okay,

because you can and will be.

be okay, pt. II

2012-01-09T22:52:00.001-06:00

this time, the social sphere.

awkwardness is mostly just a feeling -

one that is often unnecessary and illegitimate.

when you stumble over words,

when you hesitate,

when the topic goes awry,

when you have to ask "what?" several times,

when there's a lull in the conversation

because there's nothing to say,

don't panic. there's really no need to squirm.

let it be what it is.

what makes you expect smooth, streamlined social interactions?

talking isn't like writing,

and real conversations are not like those in movies and on television.

it's not all perfectly scripted. accept that.

when you find yourself alone with a person or people

you don't know well,

recognize the fact that there just may not be much to talk about quite yet.

it's okay. throw asunder any discomfort that may arise.

be at peace with the silence, yourself, and the other person.

do this without reaching for your cell phone or ipod.

shutting the curtains down on people isn't going to improve your sociability.

so, just be okay.

too good not to share

2012-01-07T11:41:00.003-06:00

thanks, eloisita!

be okay.

2012-01-05T22:00:00.001-06:00

yes, life requires

that you stand up, settle the score, be alert, make things right.

rise and obey Him.

pray for the strength and the grace to do so.

but, also remember to just be okay.

accept that life is messy. it isnt' and won't be perfect.

you ain't no smooth talker, no smooth walker. you will stumble.

it's been that way since the bite into the fruit in that garden.

don't live in fear of what trials may come your way,

especially the ones that exist only in your unnecessarily worrisome mind.

don't live in fear of the trials that plague you now.

sorrows come and go.

feelings - of whatever kind - may or may not be legitimate,

but there's something better to live by.

He withholds no good thing.

remember who He is

and what these good things actually are.

fall in love with that.

and be okay.

---

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

-John 14:27

vagrant thoughts on the year

2011-12-31T20:23:00.000-06:00

tooth ow sand L. even

the first half i lived in a foreign country. whoa.

traveled a lot a lot a lot.

watched my bro get married.

i didn't know what to do with my life. and now i do.

i graduated college.

i said goodbye to many friends, some for the time being, and some a bit more permanently.

i met loads of new people and made many new friends.

i got a job - my first since high school.

not to be a total buzzkill, but many of these events were somewhat anticlimactic. it's not that they weren't fun or exciting. they totally were. they just didn't feel as crazy or sudden as i expected they would. there were surprisingly few AHA! moments. but, that is okay. i'm not complaining. just thinking. on the other hand, there were many climactic moments, both good and bad, that were totally unexpected. eh, it's life.

this has been the most change that has ever been packed into one year of my life. at this point, it has become the new normal. and i've grown used to it. coming from someone who couldn't even rearrange his room as a kid because he'd start to really miss the way it was before, this means a lot.

most importantly, i've seen God's faithfulness time and time again, in the biggest trials i've faced yet. each passing year, they seem to get bigger, meaner, heavier, only for God to show up in bigger, awesomer, more glorious ways. like, really. he's kind of a big deal. praise him!

so, yeah. 2011. it was nice knowin' ya. but you're history now. and i will treat you as just that.

2011-12-24T19:55:00.001-06:00

"No more let sins and sorrows grow,
nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
far as the curse is found."

-"Joy to the World"

Herr Groves

2011-12-18T16:31:00.009-06:00

you leave the heart of dixie for the volunteer state

in hopes of a better...everything.

you find that you are to live with

another goer from none other than reno, nv.

you hesitate at the first [online] impression.

as you get to know this ~~native american~~ ~~latino~~ 3/4 white, 1/4 asian guy, however,

you find a quite a genuine heart

for Jesus, country music, the guitar, good food, and pale ales.

there's a point at which you come to realize that

even if you are unable to make any other good friends in this new place,

you would be perfectly content being friends with just this kid.

the years of being froommates [friends + roommates]

have had their share of joys, inside jokes, laughter, good times,

sorrows, burdens, and struggles,

and you wouldn't trade them for a thing.

a glorious journey, it has been.

this man will be missed.

Stabilitätsmangel

2011-12-11T17:42:00.004-06:00

"You're a boy who is tired of saying, 'So long...'"

---

it has been a while since i've spent more than two years [let alone two whole years] physically in the same place, and it may be a while yet.

i'm here or there just long enough for the dust to settle, seeds to be sown, and roots to be grown - a little bit.

much of the time, it's a lot of fun. the newness. the excitement. the journey. the changes of scenery. meeting and befriending new people. it sharpens one's adaptability.

at other times, it's rough. never feeling like you can fully stretch out your legs and just relax. the fear of becoming too invested in a place that you know you'll be leaving soon. friendships cut short. feeling like you've left something cooking on the stove unattended as you drive away.

i will embrace this stability deficiency while it lasts. and it may last a long, long, time. but, i know there's a permanent home prepared for me, and it's not on this lil' blue planet.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

-Rev. 21:14

COM[m]unity

2011-12-08T16:47:00.004-06:00

you weren't expecting this. not this night.

you sit in a room with a group of people you've known for a little less than two years, most for less than six months. friendly acquaintances easily outnumber close friends.

what begins as a fairly standard gathering gradually turns into an intensely edifying, Spirit-filled evening.

real struggles, worries, cares, and joys laid out in the open. barriers broken down. tears shed. praises sung. all confronted by overwhelmingly solid truth, and the thickness of His presence.

the words spoken, the people present, all that happened in the way it did - it could not have been a coincidence. it was wanted and willed. a sovereign God was behind it, in front of it, over it, underneath it, in it.

He's too good not to be true.

A Most Happy Birthday

2011-12-07T12:40:00.002-06:00

to a classy new member of the family!

Nerdy Infographic

2011-12-06T17:10:00.002-06:00

locations of PA schools under consideration

Awakening Sampler

2011-12-04T20:57:00.001-06:00

I am supermegaproud of these people.

hyperalgesia

2011-12-01T20:55:00.003-06:00

ever since the blustery january of oh nine,

you have felt things more acutely.

in fact, it seems that with each passing year,

your pain threshold

becomes lower, lower, lower.

what? why?

what made the stiff upper lip

so much more attainable in the years prior?

why is it that things that used to be so easy to deflect

now cut deep?

is this a good thing? a bad thing? both? for whom and for what?

the answers aren't easy to calculate.

remember your savior. he knows about this far better than you.

man of sorrows, what a name!

in the face of his sacrifice,

your pinpricks are of little consequence.

you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel,

but don't let it prevent you from putting one foot in front of the other.

Contentment...

2011-11-30T21:40:00.002-06:00

is a fickle friend when you expect your circumstances to make you happy.

Friday, Black

2011-11-25T22:47:00.003-06:00

-slept until 7:45 a.m., which is sleeping in for me nowadays. i got 10 hours of sleep, something that has happened approximately twice before in my entire life. or since infancy, perhaps.

-laundry, dishes, and cleaning

-watched a couple episodes of Lie to Me

-tried ironing some clothes for the first time, ever. i was terrible at it, and laughed at myself.

-time with Jesus

-went on a little drive and got lost for a bit

-had coffee at Sam and Zoe's for the first time

-bought some glasses at T.J. Maxx

-bought some sweatpants at Goodwill

-played with my pastor's dalmatian, Murphy, who is being dogsat by one of my roommates

-ate at Panera with Sam and then watched Sister Act II. i haven't laughed that hard in a while.

ahhh, what a day.

simple, but nice. and much-needed.

dwell not

2011-11-22T15:05:00.002-06:00

on yesterday, yesterweek, yestermonth, yesteryear.

yes, sometimes it's tempting to wish yourself back

to a time when things seemed easier,

simpler,

better,

clearer,

more lighthearted,

and more fun.

but, in the end,

you're just being too sentimental for your own good.

all of the money in the world could not bring back yesterday.

whatever happened, happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

the globe will continue to spin and the sun will rise and set as usual.

He made it that way on purpose.

---

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

-Isaiah 43:18-19

"Not by my might,

2011-11-16T13:03:00.002-06:00

nor my power, nor by the strength of souls,

only through Your love, my Lord.

All that's lost will be restored."

-Josh Garrels, "Rise"

0.238 Lives Ago

2011-11-14T22:14:00.002-06:00

cheese-coated cheese with cheesy filling dipped in queso

sometimes, it's nice to look back and see how far you've come.

right now, it's easy for me to be jealous of his seemingly carefree life,

but, half a decade later in the present is where i am, and

all cares aside, i'm happy with where i have ended up, and not that he could have ever

imagined it, but i think he would be, too.

Like your own life.

2011-11-06T19:29:00.002-06:00

Occupy your own skin.

You have a name and a face. Own 'em.

Envy not the lives of friends x, y, and z. It's pointless. You will never be them.

Walk in your own shoes.

Perhaps your ship is sinking because you've deserted it. Re-man it. Slam those watertight compartments shut. Retool. Renovate.

Clothe yourself with Christ. Nobody else's clothing, no matter how stylish, will satisfy.

Changes.

2011-11-04T18:09:00.003-05:00

I see them.

I feel them.

They're picking up,

rushing like an oncoming hurricane,

but the result

will not be a disaster.

Soli Deo gloria.

Mom, Esq.

2011-11-03T17:08:00.008-05:00

bein’ all classy and such

sounds like a tv show,

perhaps a legal dramedy

about a lawyer mother in the suburbs

trying to have it all.

the reality, thankfully, is far better than that tv show would be,

mostly because

reality is real.

real lawyer moms > fictional lawyers moms

any day, if you ask me.

any mother who can be a lawyer and an amazing homemaker

while still being a super darn good mom

deserves a cacophony of commendation.

a very happy birthday

to my favorite one!

Hallobirthday

2011-10-31T14:39:00.003-05:00

two thousand ten A.D.

you stand and watch from three years behind,

three years that often feel like thirty,

and at other times, point zero three.

from your vantage point,

it's hard not to compare yourself.

will you be as good as him at _____?

how will people see you in relation?

will you ever be as organized,

suave,

stylish,

or cool, calm, and collected?

the resounding "no" fades, thankfully,

as things change in the light of young adulthood kicking into full form.

what lies ahead

are more good times to be had,

the continued joy of having someone older and wiser [but not by too much],

and more hallobirthdays.

---

Happy 25th!

The Ticking Clock

2011-10-20T18:47:00.003-05:00

you stand in the wooded hills of the volunteer state's second grand division

on a short respite from the daily grind

that isn't technically yours.

you weasel your way into the mix anyway.

you are surrounded by friends, new, old, in-between,

some casual, some close, others closest.

so much good, clean fun is had,

and great conversations flow in abundance.

the self machine, with all its cogs and gears and wires

begins to whir, beep, and jingle

as it calculates the remaining time you have with these people.

sirens wail and crimson warning lights flash violently

as the countdown appears on the screen.

every second that disappears is a deafening pound of a timpani.

your heart reaches out in all directions with tentacled arms in a desperate attempt

to draw these people and this place nearer and dearer.

the thought of it all ending so soon is simply indigestible.

it sits like a stone in your stomach.

the manufacturer of all of this swoops in to pacify the chaos.

he reminds you that you are not consigned to a lonely, vagabond existence,

and that there will be more seasons. new people, new places, new seeds to be sown.

the clock continues to tick,

tick,

but slowly,

with each passing tick,

you are able to bear it more and more.

Pess[t]imism

2011-10-12T14:37:00.002-05:00

The half-empty glass.

I was explaining to a good friend last night that I always expect and assume the worst in situations so that when they turn out to be better than the horror I anticipated, I am pleasantly surprised.

"I'm pretty sure I just FAILED that test."

* * *

"Oh, a 90%. Relief."

This phenomenon most recently occurred when I got my job. I expected it to be something that I would eventually begin to dread getting up for in the morning. I expected selfish, impatient supervisors and rude, angry, disagreeable customers.

I have been so relieved to find that I actually really enjoy the work that I do. My supervisors are great, and most of the customers are pretty nice.

But, as my friend made me realize, the burden of expecting the worst is simply not worth it. Being weighed down for weeks based on [what is probably] a lie that you have told yourself is not a good way to live.

Even if the reality is that something may not be so great, I've got a source of joy and hope and freedom, and ignoring that source is not okay.

---

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

-Galatians 5:1

"You are too young to be that cynical."

-Mrs. Ross, my eighth-grade social studies teacher

Hometown Glory

2011-10-05T23:43:00.003-05:00

Whilst organizing my photos the other day, I stumbled across this picture that I took with an old cell phone at Dunnegan Park in good ol' Bolivar, Missouri a few days shy of two years ago.

Bolivar, Missouri. The bubble. The epitome of "small town." The first eighteen years of me. Where everybody knows your name, or at least your mother's name or father's name or sibling's name.

This picture got me thinking about how different my life has been post-Bolivar. Three years split unevenly between three different cities, one of them currently on a second run.

The other day, I joked with a fellow Bolivarian that my experience growing up in Bolivar lied to me about how the rest of the world functions. The reality is, it's true. I'm tempted to be really nerdy and sociological here, but I'll boil it down to the fact that the small town experience is the minority in this country.

Thus, the past three years have involved much "grown-up growing up." Meeting people from many different walks of life. Learning that not everywhere is as cozy, "safe," and sheltered as Bolivar. Seeing that my experiences don't always reflect those of many people, if not most people. It's been an enriching process, and I have really enjoyed the journey. They have been some of the best years of my life.

But, I can't say I would trade my upbringing in the 65613

for any other.

The Polemic

2011-09-30T13:30:00.002-05:00

He fights with his words.

He carefully forms arguments

to outdo those of the opposition.

He questions and challenges and problematizes.

He is cynical and disagreeable.

Sometimes he "wins,"

sometimes he doesn't.

But, at the heart,

does he care more about being the victor

or seeking the truth?

Cracking the Whip

2011-09-25T21:05:00.004-05:00

My tongue

and lips and teeth and palates and larynx and trachea

scheme deviously,

working together to form sounds into words and phrases and sentences

that really should not emit from my mouth:

words and phrases and sentences that burn and deceive and destroy.

No matter how much I threaten these articulators

with the ferocious crack of my whip,

they continue to hatch their evil plans.

After becoming exhausted in my attempt to put them in line,

I find that I have been admonishing the wrong culprits;

the real mastermind

lies much deeper than its henchmen,

and cracking the whip

won't make it beat differently.

---

James 3:1-13

cup o'

2011-09-21T23:29:00.004-05:00

or "cuppa," if you prefer.

a metaphor for many different things in many different countries,

thanks to the empire on which the sun formerly never set.

which metaphor shall i use?

i don't know.

but tonight, duke of earl the grey

soothes my coughy throat better than coffee

whilst another monarch soothes my soul -

He whose kingdom is infinitely greater than Queen Victoria's ever was.

The Fall.

2011-09-18T16:23:00.006-05:00

the season of autumn, not the bite into the fruit.

though it is not scheduled to arrive until later this week,

i can already feel it blustering its way in.

i welcome it at the door.

it bears gifts of cool air, changed leaves, a different sunlight, mood music, and spicy, pumpkin-flavored everything.

i take its coat and hat.

"come in. take a seat. summer was just leaving."

it is not until summer gets up and bids me farewell that i realize how great its visit had been and how significant it was for my life.

i fight back a pang of distress as i watch it depart.

i return my attention to fall, and i see upon its face a fresh, new start.

it is only then that i am able to accept and cherish the summer for what it was,

but also to embrace this new season for what it is

and what it will be.

---

Ecclesiastes 3:11

A Tale of Autocentricity

2011-09-10T23:43:00.003-05:00

I return

to the same zip code

changed.

A stranger in a familiar land.

My gray matter, selfish it may be,

secretly hopes that people realize

these changes, these developments, this newfangled maturity

gained during the half-year's absence.

I have lived, I tell you, lived!

My gray matter, selfish once again,

turns a blind eye to the fact

that others have lived

just as much

in the same amount of time.

As a result,

I expect everything else

and everyone else

to be the same

as when I left.

The truth,

as it often does,

recently knocked me over the head

and set that gray matter straight.

...and I'm thankful it did.

---

Philippians 2:4

Be tasty.

2011-09-09T15:04:00.004-05:00

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice."

-Ephesians 4:31

Be salty salt.

Scratch that.

2011-09-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

I am employed.

No, it's not my ideal job.

But, it's a job,

and after two months of searching,

I'm just glad to have one.

And actually, there are lots of great things about it.

When I list them in my mind, I laugh at my initial dismal reaction to the offer.

Above that, even, there's joy.

"The world don't give it and the world can't take it away..."

Sense of Entitlement.

2011-08-31T11:39:00.004-05:00

Do I have one?

If so, I'll get rid of it. I hereby waive my ownership.

My name on the dotted line.

Do I think I'm a shoe-in?

I'll relinquish that thought, too.

I will omit all delusions of grandeur, as well as any feelings of superiority from the terms and conditions.

I grant you the right to file as many suits as you like for asking the following question:

Is it crazy for me to expect to get job as a 21-year-old college graduate that I could not have gotten as a 16-year-old high schooler?

I don't mean to be bitter, and I don't mean to complain uselessly,

but honestly,

I don't think it's that crazy.

Things

2011-08-23T23:44:00.002-05:00

are gonna be holier this time around.

That's not a New Year's resolution, nor is it me just trying harder.

It's sanctification.

2011-08-21T09:36:00.002-05:00

"Stop thinking of God's will like a corn maze, or a tightrope, or a bull's-eye."

-Kevin DeYoung in Just Do Something

The Graduate

2011-08-16T00:27:00.007-05:00

He sees two roads: the road ahead, and the road behind.

But, they're really two parts of the same road.

He sees the dusty footprints behind.

He sees the fresh, open road ahead.

He sees totally cliche images.

Neither the stage he crossed nor that sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp brought about miraculous changes.

He still makes mistakes.

He struggles to write, think, be creative.

He trips over flat surfaces.

Yet, grace continues its monsoon season.

New starts, new opportunities, new relationships.

More clarity, more understanding, more joy.

He did ~~approximately~~ nothing to deserve these things.

It's pretty scandalous, this road.

Elementary, Secondary...Tertiary.

2011-08-10T22:26:00.005-05:00

In less than 40 hours,

a sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp

will be one of the last remaining pieces of material evidence

that this place is a part of me.

The sheet will reveal my bachelorhood

in the art of studying society

cum laude, de Universitas Belmontiae,

in Nasburgum, Tennesia,

Civitates Foederatae Americae.

This sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp,

nor any other sheet,

could really convey the significance

of this place and time in my life.

As intensely nostalgic as I could get

about popcorn and cards,

Weber, Durkheim, the matrix of domination, and the sociological imagination,

Goethe, gute, und Gott,

candles, records, coffee, and guitars,

v-necks, skinny jeans, sneakers, and plaid,

I will refrain,

and not in the musical way.

But, do believe that I would do it all over again.

Eight One of Eighty-One

2011-08-01T12:25:00.005-05:00

That makes three decades,

and I must say,

out of the two point one

that I've known them,

they've been

pretty crazy about each other.

No complaints here.

Only first class honors.

Happy anniversary

to my favorite parents in the world!

Eat/Sleep Schedule

2011-07-29T00:37:00.002-05:00

I need to get a consistent one, or

A: I will pass out due to low blood sugar.

B: I will pass out due to sleeplessness.

The Minimalist

2011-07-28T00:07:00.004-05:00

After trying too hard,

thinking excessively,

getting lost in the details,

seeing problems that aren't actually there,

making absurd leaps of logic,

schlepping too many boxes,

asking too many questions,

correcting everybody but himself,

loading his plate too full,

having eyes bigger than his stomach, his heart, his lungs, his hands, his feet, his head,

expecting far too much from the dust,

and spinning endlessly on a tilt-a-whirl,

he is born.

Matthew 7:13

Vergebung

2011-07-19T12:11:00.002-05:00

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

-Mark Twain

This One Place

2011-07-03T07:32:00.003-05:00

Nashville, Tennessee.

Oh, how I've missed you.

It has been

2011-07-01T10:13:00.005-05:00

a long time coming, but it's finally here,

and oh, how real it is.

I think

2011-05-28T19:35:00.001-05:00

I like where this road has taken me.

Yeah.

That seems right.

Diem Bipolar

2011-05-25T14:18:00.005-05:00

Rough start,

heartfelt conversation, coffee, and goodbye,

cumbersome moments with strangers,

some happy/sad goodbyes,

excellent conversation with family,

stressful thoughts,

funny conversation,

painstaking trashectomy,

r&r.

I urge the pendulum to not take another swing.

But, if it does,

I'll be prepared.

a time to tear, and a time to mend

2011-05-10T19:23:00.004-05:00

the white blood cells wage war

the wound is stitched closed

the brain cells recover

the heart's murmur becomes softer and fainter

the tumor gets smaller and smaller and smaller

and i, the cynical, ungrateful, impatient patient,

even while being swallowed up by such hope and life,

ask if they will win

ask when it will heal and if it will scar

ask how that is even possible

ask if it will ever be silent

ask when it will finally disappear

and in spite of my selfish and sardonic attitude,

i am lovingly reminded to be still

and know that He is the good surgeon

and to take heart

and wait for Him.

Pro-cras-tin-ation

2011-05-01T07:30:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37wR_TWdVy0

Ambivalent

2011-04-11T18:59:00.004-05:00

This picture epitomizes two of the many things that I miss about the United States of America: the food, and driving.

This picture epitomizes two of the many things I will miss when I leave the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: the people in my church, and the cool weather.

that moment

2011-03-30T19:18:00.002-05:00

when you know exciting things are happening

the butterflies start to flitter in your stomach

you're almost there

you've almost won

like the last point of the match: deuce, advantage in

but there's still some work to be done

so you maintain a calm, collected appearance

you suppress the smile that's attacking the corners of your mouth

and you keep a death grip on that racquet, that steering wheel, that pencil, that telephone, that coffee mug.

this, too.

2011-03-22T19:47:00.015-05:00

time stands still at 4:23 pm, 2/3/09, in 35242.

you are in a house owned by nobody -- yet.

you are alone, in more ways than one.

and it hurts.

the watch beeps at 2:33 pm, 4/25/09, in 37212.

you are feeling relief, for the first time in months.

your life is changing for the better,

heading down a different path with different goals in different places.

the clock strikes 9:02 pm, 5/14/09, in 65613.

you walk with a friend

and recant the horrors of the previous months,

but you feel ever so prepared for what is ahead.

the siren sounds at 10:30 am, 7/27/09 in 30303.

you relax in a park with friends you've known for months, years, a lifetime.

you finally feel a bit of separation from the desert before,

and you happily anticipate the garden to come.

the hourglass freezes at 10:34 pm, 1/29/10, on the border of 37212 and 37204.

you inhale fresh, cold air and survey the snowy landscape.

you've never felt so willing to just be where you are.

no need to look forward, no need to look back.

the sun shines its midday rays at 11:42 am, 12/18/10, in 37212

you take one last glance at the place where you grew. a lot.

the glance makes you recall awful things, wonderful things, and everything in between.

it's hard for you to depart, but the excitement held by the near future allows you to drive away.

bells toll at 3:47 pm, 3/11/11, in DE45.

you pant furiously after hiking up a large hill.

a gentle rain cools down your face.

it reminds you that all that you've seen,

all that you've experienced,

and all that you've felt

is not in vain.

He makes all things new.

"To travel...

2011-03-12T18:45:00.005-06:00

...is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries."

-Aldous Huxley

the other day i realized that the things i thought would be the hardest have actually been the easiest and that the things that i thought would be easy have actually been hard and the things that i thought would be similar have actually been different and the things that i thought would be different have actually been similar and the things that i expected to encounter problems with have actually been trouble-free and the things that i didn't expect to encounter problems with have actually been troublesome.

but, with each new day, i feel more and more even.

"...that's a little stone, that's a little mortar

that's a little seed, that's a little water..."

-Sara G.

Ermutigung

2011-03-07T17:15:00.004-06:00

"The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have said this to you, so that in me you have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!"

-Jesus, in John 16:32-33

hot. diggity.

He's good.

Well,

2011-02-26T19:22:00.000-06:00

these past couple decades have been pretty good.

baby steps.

2011-02-24T07:52:00.000-06:00

little manifestations of growth and progress.

they happen continuously.

they're not very obvious as you make them.

in the midst of the hustle and the bustle,

they're easy to miss.

in a moment of frustration,

i force myself to stop and look for them:

and there they are,

imprints all the way from square one to where i stand now.

and i find my self a little less frustrated,

a little more patient,

and a little more encouraged.

Oh, Serendipity.

2011-02-20T17:44:00.000-06:00

"What he thought he wanted,

what he got instead

leaves him broken and grateful."

the weighty beast

2011-02-20T08:37:00.000-06:00

i left the places i knew, ambitions high, hopes higher, expectations highest.

i was okay with leaving the places i knew for the time being.

after all, i had been preparing for this for weeks, months, years.

i had bid the appropriate farewells.

my relationships with friends and family were solid.

i knew how i would go about keeping in touch.

the place i was going - i had studied it thoroughly.

i knew what to expect.

i had surveyed its history.

i had examined its geography.

i had learned about its culture.

i had kept up with its news.

i had been there before.

i was ready for the experience of foreign living and studying.

i felt mature.

i felt responsible.

i felt flexible.

i felt low-maintenance.

i felt travel-savvy.

i felt that these qualities would serve me well in my upcoming experiences.

i knew what i wanted.

i wanted to experience the local culture firsthand.

i wanted to get to know the university.

i wanted to get to know the city.

i wanted to travel.

* * *

a month later,

reality looks me in the face.

i swivel my head toward it.

heart pounding, fists clenched, and knuckles white, i meet its gaze.

it's painful. it's weighty. it's real.

under the brutality of its inquisition, some of the things that I felt and thought and knew a month ago are reduced to dust. some things are cracked and shaken, but still there. some things stand strong. some things are totally immune, because they were in fact real from the get-go.

it's a harrowing procedure. it's a terrifying process.

i will count it joy.

back so soon

2011-02-03T17:22:00.000-06:00

i sit alone, in the darkness, in a foreign land

torn in many directions, geographically, emotionally

i look back at the past year and a half -

the best year and a half of ≈21 years.

i see so many blessings. so many new friends made, so many friendships strengthened, so many old friendships transformed into new friendships.

so much fun had, so many new things experienced, so much fellowship.

i am not blinded by this nostalgia. i fully and deeply remember that the grass was not always so green...oh, there were some rough times.

many mistakes, many struggles, many misunderstandings, many moments of confusion and frustration, much devastation and reform.

all of this, however, was engulfed by overwhelming healing, understanding, and abounding love.

so many lessons learned, so many prayers answered, so much growth, so much refinement.

i close my eyes and long to fill those spaces again: 2528-b bernard circle. making popcorn and watching lost with my roommate. playing cards and drinking coffee with a new group of friends. late night conversations and relaxing music. plowing through homework of all kinds - easy, hard, time-consuming. enjoying visits from friends and family back home. staring out from the balcony at the city around.

2012 15th avenue south: living the semi-adult life of being responsible for my own residence. moving in, organizing, paying bills, getting things fixed - some of it easy, some of it frustratingly not. sweating through a ferociously hot, outwardly placid yet inwardly chaotic summer. feeling like i had two homes, and liking that feeling. having extremely difficult but necessary conversations in the kitchen. hanging out with a huge group of believers, out of which came loads of new friends. crowding around a laptop to watch avatar. packing up and moving forward.

i could go on and on.

as i sit here, thousands of miles away from all of the homes i have known, i am conflicted.

i have never been more sure of god's faithfulness. he is wonderful, and his promises are firm.

yet

in my humanity, i am terrified. of the present, of the future. i have felt this many times before, and i know that the rest of the world has, as well. this time, however, i don't even feel like i have any details anymore.

it's a trust fall from a cliff...encompassed by a thick fog.

and i trust him. i read about his goodness thousands of human years ago, and i see it in my own life today.

i have faith. i really do. but i am weak, wounded, sick, and sore.

say a little prayer for me.

goodbye for now

2010-12-26T22:27:00.000-06:00

As mentioned in the previous post, I will be studying abroad soon and will thereupon be using a different blog for a while.

You can find me at http://grantinmanchester.tumblr.com/

I will return here after my English excursion.

Cheerio!

Alive, sanity intact.

2010-12-26T18:50:00.000-06:00

I am finished with my last semester to be [physically] at Belmont. I can only describe this as "the epitome of bittersweet."

I moved out of my Nashville residence, and am a Bolivarian once again. Being home is good. I have hung out with wonderful friends and family, begun painting my room, and celebrated the Christmas season. I am very much glad that Jesus was born.

Being home, I hope, will provide me with a month's worth of relative stability in the midst of an otherwise fragmented, transient, liminal space in my life at the moment. Allow me to explain what I mean by this:

My college experience has been fairly unconventional. Having accumulated the necessary amount of college credits during high school, I will complete college in three years instead of four. On top of that fact, the three years of college did not happen all at the same place, nor in the same major. I spent my first year of college, which was technically my sophomore year, at Samford University (not a great time...), then transferred to Belmont (great times!), where I spent my junior year and the first half of my senior year. I am now preparing to study abroad in Manchester, England for my final semester. That being said, I will graduate from Belmont having spent only three semesters/1.5 school years on its campus.

The future looks fairly sketchy, as well. After studying abroad, I will do some traveling with one of my oldest friends, and then return to the States to attend my brother's wedding. In August, I will graduate from the one-and-only Belmont University. Then, I will live at home and attend SBU for a year (or maybe two?) as a probably-non-degree-seeking, post-baccalaureate student in order to do my medical school prerequisites. If I am no longer interested in going to medical school, I will have to rethink my life. If by that point I am still interested in going to medical school, I will apply to many schools, get accepted by few (if any), make a choice and go to that choice of medical school, and then in four years I would have to decide what residency to do at which teaching hospital in which city in which country, and then decide whether or not to subspecialize in an area after that, and then decide where to do my first few years of practicing, and so on and so forth.

Of course, I probably made all of this sound more dramatic than it actually has been/is/will be, but I have made my point. It seems unlikely that I will have stayed in any one place for more than four years straight between the ages of 18 and 30. Having spent the first 18 in the same town, it will be quite a change if it does indeed happen in that fashion.

I'm not totally consumed by all of this, but it's definitely a hot topic in my mind.

Grant: "Trust Jesus, Grant. Take Him at His Word."

Grant: "Oh, I so will."

It will be a feat...

2010-12-07T16:36:00.001-06:00

...if any shred of my sanity is still in my possession by Friday at noon.

If I do not accomplish this feat, visit me in my asylum.

Thanks!

Snow:

2010-12-06T12:01:00.001-06:00

I approve of you.

He's got the whole world

2010-11-02T11:38:00.001-05:00

in His hands.

The Linguist

2010-10-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

He knows words.

He speaks the language.

He denotes and connotes.

He can make words jump through flaming hoops, dive from high dives, and do back flips off of cliffs.

He can turn black into white and back into black again.

He analyzes roots, prefixes, and suffixes until they're just meaningless clumps of letters.

He knows two thousand four hundred ninety-five ways to say the same thing...

...but he does not always know what to say.

The Sociologist

2010-10-25T12:20:00.001-05:00

He knows society.

He studies patterns, trends, and tendencies.

He knows complex theories on how society functions, struggles, and changes.

He sees the general in the particular, the strange in the familiar, and vice versa.

He thinks critically - and sometimes cynically - about the world and its many problems.

He knows who to blame: the powers-that-be, the majority, the bourgeoisie, hegemony...

...anybody and everybody but himself.

The Floor

2010-10-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

is a highly underrated place to be.

Sit on it sometime.

It's relaxing.

i really need to vacuum

Freaky Quote

2010-09-08T21:08:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Emile Durkheim and my social theory textbook:

"Irrespective of any external regulatory force, our capacity for feeling is in itself an insatiable and bottomless abyss."

Spooky.

It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite Derek Webb songs, "Ballad in Plain Red":

"...'cause you can make your life look good

you can do what Jesus would

but you'd be surprised what you could do with a hard heart."

...yeah.

That's why we need Jesus.

Grace...

2010-09-03T00:15:00.000-05:00

...is more than just insurance.

Laughing at Myself

2010-08-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

It must be done sometimes.

_____________________________________________________

I was going through my Documents folder and deleting everything I didn't need anymore, and I stumbled upon something I wrote a while back after being fed up with how girls were gushing over fictional characters in the Twilight Series, Pride and Prejudice, etc. I laughed at myself after reading it, but I still somewhat identify with what I wrote. I thought I'd share:

CURRENT FRUSTRATIONS:

-Every book by Nicholas Sparks

-Every book by Stephanie Meyer

-Every book by Jane Austen

-The “perfect” characters in the works by the aforementioned authors

-The crazy, unrealistic expectations that girls put on guys as a result of reading and being influenced by the aforementioned propaganda

-The unfortunate fact that a lot of girls seem to think that communication is unnecessary, irrelevant, and/or unromantic

I’m not Mr. Darcy, and I’m not Edward Cullen. Don’t expect me to charm you with my abundant wealth, perfect manners, and British accent; I have none of the above. Don’t expect me to subtly reveal vampiric ways; I have yet to understand why that is so appealing. Don’t even expect me to be your absolute perfect match, because even if I am, relationships still require hard work and communication (sometimes tough, direct, and uncomfortable), and all things that honor Jesus to thrive.

Late Night Chocolate Milk + Thoughts

2010-08-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

I sit here in my room of ten years wondering what the next decade will bring.

In about two weeks, I will begin my last semester in residence at Belmont. In January, I will fly over the Atlantic to Manchester, England, U.K. to study abroad for my final semester of college. I will finish in June, and return to the wedding of a wonderful couple. I will graduate in August.

Beyond that, however, is a vast, unknown space. I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing...

...and I kind of like it.

whoa

2010-07-22T23:17:00.000-05:00

The craziest thing just happened.

I was out on my evening run when I saw a group of four people huddled around a person lying on the sidewalk. I stopped to see what was going on.

The guy lying on the sidewalk was having a medical emergency of some sort. The four people, one being a physician, and I determined that the guy was not drunk (no smell of alcohol whatsoever), was not having a heart attack or stroke, could not seem to use his limbs, and was mostly unresponsive. His eyes didn't seem to focus on anything. We tried to get his name, but we couldn't hear what he said. He was able to tell us that he was 40 years old.

The physician's wife called 911. When she informed the 911 dispatcher that the guy was a 40-year-old black man, the dispatcher pretty much assumed that the man was drunk and wanted to send a police car instead of an ambulance, so it was a bit of a fight just to get them to send paramedics.

When the paramedics arrived, they performed some tests, and determined the man was having a diabetic crisis. The five us talked amongst ourselves as we watched the paramedics do their thing. The physician, upon learning that I was considering going into medicine, took an interest and we had a really good conversation about medical schools and residencies, and he did his best to explain to me what the paramedics were doing, things that tend to happen in diabetic emergencies, and problems that this guy could have as a result of prolonged lack of glucose.

It was awesome (apart from the emergency, of course).

I felt calm and ready the entire time.

This experience may have sealed the deal for me.

We'll see.

Much

2010-07-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to write about...

...but I'm a bit exhausted at the mo'.

Things are happening.

Stamp of Approval

2010-06-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'm liking this summer.

God is good.

I didn't need to freak out.

Moved

2010-05-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

After over a week of moving stuff, losing stuff, finding stuff, repairing stuff, buying stuff, arranging stuff, and calling about stuff, I am finally moved into my new place.

Hot water will arrive June 2nd. I look forward to that day.

Summer...

2010-05-08T01:45:00.000-05:00

...is imminent.

This summer is going to be very different than those of the past. Much more responsibility, much less time with friends, much preparation for a very nebulous future.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know what to expect...

...but I am okay with it - or at least, I'm trying to be.

God is good, all the time. He's got the whole world in His hands. Thankfully, it's not in mine.

I shall stop pretending like it is.

I may have an obsession.

2010-04-23T00:02:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to get addicted to tea?

My beverage consumption choices provide substantial evidence for the possibility.

That is all.

"...with varying degrees of criticality..."

2010-04-13T23:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I find myself cynical and disagreeable.

It seems as though whenever anyone expresses an opinion, my mind immediately considers an opposing opinion. If I find that the opposing opinion has any value, I espouse it, sometimes complete with the ever-present "But at the same time..."

Ugh.

I know it's good to think critically and analytically, but there comes a line in which the conversation centers no longer on the truth of the issue. I cross this line far too much. My words drip with cynicism...

Lately I have been reminded of the importance of speaking the truth in love. The words that come out of our mouths can have devastating effects...

Speaking the truth in love requires taming of the tongue, something that we're too weak, too human to do by ourselves - we need His help. Pray for it.

"We can be so loud;
we can write a song that makes us all proud,
but without love,
it's just a sound."

-The Newsboys in "Good Stuff"

I Love a Rainy Night

2010-04-08T01:06:00.000-05:00

"A drenching joy, a carnival sky,
but what I don't say, what I can't say
is that with this joy comes a mourning-
something left behind:
blue lined, teary, mingled
I move on...
All things will change.
We wait for the rain,
and the Promise remains."

-Josh Garrels in "Jacaranda Tree"

Forgiveness

2010-03-31T02:55:00.000-05:00

It's so opposed to human nature.

We're inclined to hold grudges, carry around bitterness toward others, and secretly feed our sardonic prejudices like a dog under the dinner table.

We clench our fists, scoff at the mistakes of others, and stand idly as our hearts turn a cold shoulder to those who do us wrong.

...but we're called to something higher.

Forgiveness requires us to transcend our human nature. To throw away logic. To let go of feelings that are perfectly natural, normal, and understandable.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Jesus forgave us by allowing Himself to be nailed to a cross.

Only because of this, the ultimate act of forgiveness, can we forgive both our best friends and our greatest enemies alike.

"'Cause you cannot choose your friends,
but you choose your enemies,
and what if they were one, one in the same?
Could you find a way
to love them both the same?"
-Derek Webb

Creativity

2010-03-20T02:20:00.000-05:00

Today, I wanted to be creative.

It was the final day of a long, busy, stressful week that felt more like a month. I was awakened by the sunlight pouring through the blinds. I walked outside, and it was warmer than I expected, a welcome surprise.

There were people all over campus, lying on the quad, throwing around frisbees, socializing with friends, and doing all matter of things that could be done comfortably outside for the first time in quite a while.

After eating lunch and strolling around outside for a while, I went to the Curb Events Center and sat down on a bench that was drenched in the early-afternoon sunlight. I sat in the warmth and read for a bit.

A little while later, I was overcome with the strange desire to create something. I don't know where this sudden feeling of creativity came from, but it was overwhelming. It was as if my muscles tensed up with excessive energy and could not relax until I had completed a masterpiece of one form or another.

I immediately reached for my notebook, and tried to write something - a poem, a song, a story, anything. Millions of topics ran through my head, but none seemed worthy of this intense, creative mood. When nothing stopped to pay my heart or brain a visit, I moved on to the prospect of drawing something. I picked up my pencil and moved it across the paper, drawing lines that turned into squiggles that turned into jumbled, chicken-scratchy nothingness. No shapes or figures presented themselves, and I was at a loss for anything to draw. I ripped out the paper covered with my failed attempts. I tried to fold it in some interesting way, but all I could manage was a pathetic, uneven triangle. Thoroughly frustrated, I crumpled up the paper and threw it away.

I took some deep breaths and looked out the window. Seeing so many carefree people enjoying the weather released some of my frustration. I forced myself to smile.

As I was putting my notebook into my backpack, I saw my Bible sitting inside. It occurred to me that I am a work of art. No matter how dull, dry, and gray my own mind might be, I was created by a Creator, and a mighty good one.

I looked outside again, and saw masterpieces everywhere.

I smiled genuinely.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
-Psalm 139:14

One Score

2010-02-26T11:12:00.000-06:00

memories for miles and miles:

summers, winters, falls, and springs

ruby, you take it in

and see He's withheld no good thing.

Today...

2010-02-17T00:10:00.000-06:00

...was a good day.

What makes a good day?

-pancakes for breakfast
-getting homework finished: Survey Analysis for Research Methods, a journal for Third-Year Writing, and some reading
-a bit of laundry and dishes
-some straightening of my room
-small talk with a fellow Bolivarian
-egg sandwich and toast for lunch
-Hazelnut coffee
-opening the blinds to watch the snow fall, even if it's just a little bit
-a good conversation with a professor
-a Mexican dinner
-LOST + popcorn
-a laughter-filled evening with good friends

...and there you have it: a good day.

:)

The Everyday, Every Day

2010-02-09T00:48:00.000-06:00

An important conversation that I had with a good friend just a minute ago has got me thinking about the way I perceive the past and the future.

I look back to last semester and see how awesome it was: the joy of making new friends, becoming familiar with Belmont, exploring Nashville...

I look to the future and see the exciting possibilities of staying in Nashville for the summer, studying abroad, graduation, perhaps graduate school, and a job that I like...

Yet, I sit here in the present doing homework, managing my responsibilities, solving my problems, and completing all matter of dull-yet-necessary daily tasks, all the while trying to have quality time with God, friends, and myself. In reality, these are things that I do every day of my life, yet when I think about the past and the future, I romanticize them so much that they blur into an seemingly effortless stream of existence.

I forget that regardless of how great last semester was overall, I still had days where I had to sit down and make myself write papers, read for class, and reflect on previous lectures while studying.

I forget that however bright my future looks, I will still do laundry and dishes.

Over the past few months I have improved at living in the present, but now I feel the challenge not only to live in the present, but to enjoy it - even the mundane building blocks of each day, whether they are work or play. I want to find an attitude in which I can look back and remember the normalcy of everyday life among the good times and the bad times.

"...another critique is that people in these radical subcultures do normal stuff, too. Punk kids sit around and eat cookies with their parents on Christmas, just like everyone else. They go to the store and get groceries, too." -my Popular Culture professor

Life is good - the good, the bad, and everything normal in between. It's God's gift to you and me.

A lot has changed...

2010-02-03T00:15:00.000-06:00

...in the past month or two.

When I say, "changed," I don't necessarily mean that many significant events have happened (although there have been a few). What I mean is that some circumstances have been altered and collectively, they have changed me as a person.

Most of this change revolves around the issue of self-awareness. I once considered myself a unique, complex individual who was so elusive that even I could not figure myself out.

Now I cannot help but cringe at that.

Recently I've realized that I know myself pretty well. Complexities aside, I know my own thoughts and can interpret my own feelings. I am now willing to admit to myself my likes and dislikes, and everything to which I am indifferent. Perhaps most importantly, I no longer deny when I'm in denial.

There are a number of contributors to this newly found self-awareness. Foremost, I made a bit of a resolution to be more honest with myself and with God...it's better this way.

Also, many quality conversations with good friends lately have forced me to hold up a mirror to my own face...and I was surprised to find that I recognized myself.

Unexpectedly, Third-Year Writing, a general education requirement at Belmont, has really got me thinking about myself (not that I'm lacking in introspection...). I was originally wary of the class; I imagined having to write fifteen-page research monstrosities and random topic analyses every week. I was relieved to find that most of the writing would be about ourselves, because no matter how bland, boring, or otherwise uninteresting the details of my everyday life may be, I know I can write about myself.

"Why is this, exactly?" I asked myself.

It was a pretty simple answer: "Because I know myself."

I am completely aware of how individualist and self-involved this sounds, but I don't mean for it to be like that. It's just the truth about what I'm thinkin', wheelin', and dealin'.

There are so many things that I need to write about... and not just about myself.

Good stuff is happenin'. Yeh'd best believe it.

Prayer

2010-01-17T23:26:00.000-06:00

"When you pray, your prayers are heard by the same God who answered Moses' prayer for water in the desert, the God who gave Abraham and his barren wife a son, and the God who made the slave Joseph second in power only to Pharaoh."
-Francis Chan in Crazy Love

It's so true.

A Year in the Life

2009-12-31T00:30:00.000-06:00

...so it's been a little while since I've written anything of substance, but I felt like writing something tonight, so here I am. And, since it's the last day of the year, it's an auspicious time to ponder the year in its entirety.

2009 receives the award for being the most monumental year of my life. Before 2009, 2008 held the spot, and before that, 2005. Anyhow, 2009 saw me at my best and my worst, and brought good times and bad, and many a lesson was learned.

I could completely lay out the entire year with every detail included, but since that would take quite a while, here is the Sparknotes version :

January - May: My second (and final) semester at Samford University. Early in the semester, I began to realize how unhappy I was at Samford. Extenuating circumstances from life outside of college combined with the crippling loneliness from the lack of any good friends at Samford as well as huge doubts about the future brought on a heavy melancholy that made the semester a dark gray blur. I had never felt so desperate. I clung onto God like never before, and at times He was my only real friend. And as He has been time and time again, He was faithful. New doors opened, and I was set to transfer, to escape the dry and weary land that was my life at Samford.
May - August: For the most part, the summer was spent recovering from the semester I had just had. The drive back home at the end of the semester was bright and sunny, and as I stepped out of my car and walked into my house, I said to myself, "I live here." The statement, although simple, brought an enormous amount of relief. It was great to be home, and the summer was full of good times with family and friends.
August - December: Became Belmont! I went off to Belmont, and in a nutshell had the best time of my life! I met so many great people, built great friendships, and was challenged by many new experiences. Even though the semester is over, I still can't get over how awesome it was (and I refuse to get over it).

...and here I am about halfway through winter break.

Being home with friends and the fam has been great, but it has also had its challenges. I know it may seem self-involved, but I feel as though I am put in the same old box whenever I return to Bolivar, regardless of any way I've changed or matured while I was away.

On the flip side, just as Bolivar expects me to be the same, I come back expecting it to be the same. But it's not. Things change. I forget that life continues regularly here, too.

Although I do enjoy seeing and talking to people in Bolivar that I haven't seen or talked to in a long time, sometimes it's just weird and awkward.

Also, some of the persons, places, and things, and ideas (nouns! but wouldn't it have been weird if I had just said "Some of the nouns"?) that occurred around this time in Bolivar last year were the beginnings of things that made the second semester at Samford so hard and have been the epitome of stuff that I've been dealing with all year long. I can't help but feel kind of stuck...and it's hard to move on when you're stuck.

...but with 2010 comes a fresh start.

...fresh starts...

God gives us fresh starts.

He gives them to us freely and fully.

Just like grace...

...all-sufficient grace for you and for me.

Best semester of my life.

2009-12-17T16:41:00.000-06:00

Just had it.

But now school is over and I'm home, and I'm enjoying it immensely.

If you don't mind believing that it changes everything,

2009-12-12T11:36:00.000-06:00

time will never matter.

-Jars of Clay

Time flies...

2009-11-15T14:10:00.000-06:00

...when you're having fun.

The future is imminent.

I feel like I just went through a bunch of thinking, planning, figuring, number-crunching, blood, sweat, and tears just to get here to Belmont...but after my advising appointment to get a schedule together for next semester, I realized that I'm pushing halfway done with my junior year, which means even more impending thinking, planning, figuring, number-crunching, blood, sweat, and tears...whoosh.

No worries.

I'd like to just chill and enjoy where I am for a while. I will do just that.

Hold On, Hold Tight

2009-11-06T13:07:00.000-06:00

...breathe in, breathe out...

busy-ness business

Why did Grant not throw the clock out the window?

2009-10-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

...because he didn't want to see time fly.

I can't believe how fast it's going! Whoosh.
_________________________________________

Some updates:

-Life is crazy busy (see above). So much to do and so little time!

-My classes are very enjoyable, but chock full of work that hangs on my conscience.

-There are a lot of exciting possibilities for what I could be doing next summer.

-I am feeling approximately 947,493,256 times better than I was about 8 months ago.

-October 22 just became one of the best days of my life, or at least in the past 8 months or so

-This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had since I've been here.

-For the first time in a while, I feel known.

-God is great and has been since before time began (this is not an update, it's just the truth)

-I have almost settled on a church - we'll see.

-I know I've mentioned this before, but although fall used to be my least favorite season, it is now really making me reconsider.

...and that's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll add more later.

sleep

Fall Breakin' It, and Breakin' the Fall

2009-10-20T15:52:00.000-05:00

I am a huge fan of these people.

I went to New Orleans with these kids and had a sock rockin' time.

It's so weird how life runs its course. I remember sitting in Geography of the United States and Canada last year at Samford when my professor, a New Orleans native, spoke about Katrina. I remember wondering if I would ever travel to New Orleans again, because I had only been once when I was 14. At that very moment in class I had no idea that I would be transferring to Belmont where I would make really good friends in just a couple months and then go to New Orleans with them. Crazy.

I'm so thankful for God's unique plan for our lives and how mysterious yet awesome it is.

Zu Hause und Nach Hause

2009-10-13T00:19:00.000-05:00

friends at the best restaurant, ever

went on a drive with Luke

took a walk through the park

I went home this weekend. It was great; I was glad to have quality time with friends and family. However, I think if beforehand I had really stopped to think about how short it would be and how much I could have accomplished if I had stayed here in Nashville, I probably wouldn't have gone, but I was grateful for the time at home nonetheless.

I can say it honestly: Nashville is my second home.

I was never able to say it last year at Samford, but I can now at Belmont. I feel a sense of belonging here that I never had last year.

I'm learning. I'm growing. I have friends. I have community. I have the right mixture of familiarity and unfamiliarity.

...and I've got joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart from the One who gives it fully and freely.

Things I've learned in the past six weeks, in no particular order:

2009-10-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

It's hard to be patient and stand there for half an hour to cook something when you're already starving.
It's weird to grocery shop and then cook for one person when you're used to doing it for three or four.
My room can get really messy in the course of a week.
When your first class isn't until noon, it's hard to get up for any other event occurring before 10:00.
Nashville rocks my face off.
Belmont rocks my face off.
I'm better at some things than I thought I was in the past, and I'm worse at some things than I thought I was in the past, but it's all good.
I'm a lot lazier than I want to be, and it's the toughest flaw to overcome, because I'm too lazy. Not lazy in a physical sense, but lazy as in I'm lacking in the discipline to get things done and do them well.
You can make really good friends in the course of six weeks.
You can make really good friends in the course of one day.
I really like my friends here. I really like my friends back home. I love them all.
We're not always as unique as we'd like to think we are, but that's totally OK. We don't need to waste our lives trying to be different than everyone else because really, the more we all try to be unique, the more we become alike. Belmont seems to be the perfect example of that. I love it anyway.
Weekdays here are crazy busy.
Weekends are expensive.
I wish weekends were less expensive.
I love weekends (it was quite the opposite at Samford, ironically).
Even though I've been clean-shaven for most of my life, it was really startling to see myself without a beard after having one for three months.
Some of my classes are easier than I expected them to be, but some of them are a lot harder than I expected them to be.
Lost is an amazing show.
I'm learning to take less for granted.
It used to be my least favorite season, but I'm beginning to appreciate the fall.
I'm so glad I came here.
God is always good (I already knew this, but I thought I'd put it here for the heck of it, because it's true.)

_______________________________________________

In other news, I had and awesome weekend (refer to #15 in the above list) I went and saw Derek Webb at the Rutledge! Thanks to an acquaintance (who became a good friend over the course of Saturday), I was able to help Derek Webb's band set up the stage for the show! The show itself was awesome. And when I say awesome, I mean like really awesome. After the show, I kind of lazily helped pack/clear up the stage, and then I got a picture with Derek Webb himself! In short, it was a crazily ridiculously awesome day (It's too late to think of any unique adjectives...and it doesn't even matter - refer to #12 in the above list).

Here comes bed, and another wild and crazy week. Bring it on.