Well,

these past couple decades have been pretty good.

baby steps.

little manifestations of growth and progress.

they happen continuously.

they're not very obvious as you make them.

in the midst of the hustle and the bustle,

they're easy to miss.

in a moment of frustration,

i force myself to stop and look for them:

and there they are,

imprints all the way from square one to where i stand now.

and i find my self a little less frustrated,

a little more patient,

and a little more encouraged.

Oh, Serendipity.

"What he thought he wanted,

what he got instead

leaves him broken and grateful."

the weighty beast

i left the places i knew, ambitions high, hopes higher, expectations highest.

i was okay with leaving the places i knew for the time being.

after all, i had been preparing for this for weeks, months, years.

i had bid the appropriate farewells.

my relationships with friends and family were solid.

i knew how i would go about keeping in touch.

the place i was going - i had studied it thoroughly.

i knew what to expect.

i had surveyed its history.

i had examined its geography.

i had learned about its culture.

i had kept up with its news.

i had been there before.

i was ready for the experience of foreign living and studying.

i felt mature.

i felt responsible.

i felt flexible.

i felt low-maintenance.

i felt travel-savvy.

i felt that these qualities would serve me well in my upcoming experiences.

i knew what i wanted.

i wanted to experience the local culture firsthand.

i wanted to get to know the university.

i wanted to get to know the city.

i wanted to travel.

* * *

a month later,

reality looks me in the face.

i swivel my head toward it.

heart pounding, fists clenched, and knuckles white, i meet its gaze.

it's painful. it's weighty. it's real.

under the brutality of its inquisition, some of the things that I felt and thought and knew a month ago are reduced to dust. some things are cracked and shaken, but still there. some things stand strong. some things are totally immune, because they were in fact real from the get-go.

it's a harrowing procedure. it's a terrifying process.

i will count it joy.

back so soon

i sit alone, in the darkness, in a foreign land

torn in many directions, geographically, emotionally

i look back at the past year and a half -

the best year and a half of ≈21 years.

i see so many blessings. so many new friends made, so many friendships strengthened, so many old friendships transformed into new friendships.

so much fun had, so many new things experienced, so much fellowship.

i am not blinded by this nostalgia. i fully and deeply remember that the grass was not always so green...oh, there were some rough times.

many mistakes, many struggles, many misunderstandings, many moments of confusion and frustration, much devastation and reform.

all of this, however, was engulfed by overwhelming healing, understanding, and abounding love.

so many lessons learned, so many prayers answered, so much growth, so much refinement.

i close my eyes and long to fill those spaces again: 2528-b bernard circle. making popcorn and watching lost with my roommate. playing cards and drinking coffee with a new group of friends. late night conversations and relaxing music. plowing through homework of all kinds - easy, hard, time-consuming. enjoying visits from friends and family back home. staring out from the balcony at the city around.

2012 15th avenue south: living the semi-adult life of being responsible for my own residence. moving in, organizing, paying bills, getting things fixed - some of it easy, some of it frustratingly not. sweating through a ferociously hot, outwardly placid yet inwardly chaotic summer. feeling like i had two homes, and liking that feeling. having extremely difficult but necessary conversations in the kitchen. hanging out with a huge group of believers, out of which came loads of new friends. crowding around a laptop to watch avatar. packing up and moving forward.

i could go on and on.

as i sit here, thousands of miles away from all of the homes i have known, i am conflicted.

i have never been more sure of god's faithfulness. he is wonderful, and his promises are firm.

yet

in my humanity, i am terrified. of the present, of the future. i have felt this many times before, and i know that the rest of the world has, as well. this time, however, i don't even feel like i have any details anymore.

it's a trust fall from a cliff...encompassed by a thick fog.

and i trust him. i read about his goodness thousands of human years ago, and i see it in my own life today.

i have faith. i really do. but i am weak, wounded, sick, and sore.

say a little prayer for me.