A Year in the Life

...so it's been a little while since I've written anything of substance, but I felt like writing something tonight, so here I am. And, since it's the last day of the year, it's an auspicious time to ponder the year in its entirety.

2009 receives the award for being the most monumental year of my life. Before 2009, 2008 held the spot, and before that, 2005. Anyhow, 2009 saw me at my best and my worst, and brought good times and bad, and many a lesson was learned.

I could completely lay out the entire year with every detail included, but since that would take quite a while, here is the Sparknotes version :

• January - May: My second (and final) semester at Samford University. Early in the semester, I began to realize how unhappy I was at Samford. Extenuating circumstances from life outside of college combined with the crippling loneliness from the lack of any good friends at Samford as well as huge doubts about the future brought on a heavy melancholy that made the semester a dark gray blur. I had never felt so desperate. I clung onto God like never before, and at times He was my only real friend. And as He has been time and time again, He was faithful. New doors opened, and I was set to transfer, to escape the dry and weary land that was my life at Samford.
• May - August: For the most part, the summer was spent recovering from the semester I had just had. The drive back home at the end of the semester was bright and sunny, and as I stepped out of my car and walked into my house, I said to myself, "I live here." The statement, although simple, brought an enormous amount of relief. It was great to be home, and the summer was full of good times with family and friends.
• August - December: Became Belmont! I went off to Belmont, and in a nutshell had the best time of my life! I met so many great people, built great friendships, and was challenged by many new experiences. Even though the semester is over, I still can't get over how awesome it was (and I refuse to get over it).

...and here I am about halfway through winter break.

Being home with friends and the fam has been great, but it has also had its challenges. I know it may seem self-involved, but I feel as though I am put in the same old box whenever I return to Bolivar, regardless of any way I've changed or matured while I was away.

On the flip side, just as Bolivar expects me to be the same, I come back expecting it to be the same. But it's not. Things change. I forget that life continues regularly here, too.

Although I do enjoy seeing and talking to people in Bolivar that I haven't seen or talked to in a long time, sometimes it's just weird and awkward.

Also, some of the persons, places, and things, and ideas (nouns! but wouldn't it have been weird if I had just said "Some of the nouns"?) that occurred around this time in Bolivar last year were the beginnings of things that made the second semester at Samford so hard and have been the epitome of stuff that I've been dealing with all year long. I can't help but feel kind of stuck...and it's hard to move on when you're stuck.

...but with 2010 comes a fresh start.

...fresh starts...

God gives us fresh starts.

He gives them to us freely and fully.

Just like grace...

...all-sufficient grace for you and for me.

Best semester of my life.

Just had it.

But now school is over and I'm home, and I'm enjoying it immensely.

If you don't mind believing that it changes everything,

time will never matter.

-Jars of Clay

Time flies...

...when you're having fun.

The future is imminent.

I feel like I just went through a bunch of thinking, planning, figuring, number-crunching, blood, sweat, and tears just to get here to Belmont...but after my advising appointment to get a schedule together for next semester, I realized that I'm pushing halfway done with my junior year, which means even more impending thinking, planning, figuring, number-crunching, blood, sweat, and tears...whoosh.

No worries.

I'd like to just chill and enjoy where I am for a while. I will do just that.

Hold On, Hold Tight

...breathe in, breathe out...

busy-ness business

Why did Grant not throw the clock out the window?

...because he didn't want to see time fly.

I can't believe how fast it's going! Whoosh.
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Some updates:

-Life is crazy busy (see above). So much to do and so little time!

-My classes are very enjoyable, but chock full of work that hangs on my conscience.

-There are a lot of exciting possibilities for what I could be doing next summer.

-I am feeling approximately 947,493,256 times better than I was about 8 months ago.

-October 22 just became one of the best days of my life, or at least in the past 8 months or so

-This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had since I've been here.

-For the first time in a while, I feel known.

-God is great and has been since before time began (this is not an update, it's just the truth)

-I have almost settled on a church - we'll see.

-I know I've mentioned this before, but although fall used to be my least favorite season, it is now really making me reconsider.

...and that's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll add more later.

sleep

Fall Breakin' It, and Breakin' the Fall

I am a huge fan of these people.

I went to New Orleans with these kids and had a sock rockin' time.

It's so weird how life runs its course. I remember sitting in Geography of the United States and Canada last year at Samford when my professor, a New Orleans native, spoke about Katrina. I remember wondering if I would ever travel to New Orleans again, because I had only been once when I was 14. At that very moment in class I had no idea that I would be transferring to Belmont where I would make really good friends in just a couple months and then go to New Orleans with them. Crazy.

I'm so thankful for God's unique plan for our lives and how mysterious yet awesome it is.

Zu Hause und Nach Hause

friends at the best restaurant, ever

went on a drive with Luke

took a walk through the park

I went home this weekend. It was great; I was glad to have quality time with friends and family. However, I think if beforehand I had really stopped to think about how short it would be and how much I could have accomplished if I had stayed here in Nashville, I probably wouldn't have gone, but I was grateful for the time at home nonetheless.

I can say it honestly: Nashville is my second home.

I was never able to say it last year at Samford, but I can now at Belmont. I feel a sense of belonging here that I never had last year.

I'm learning. I'm growing. I have friends. I have community. I have the right mixture of familiarity and unfamiliarity.

...and I've got joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart from the One who gives it fully and freely.

Things I've learned in the past six weeks, in no particular order:

1. It's hard to be patient and stand there for half an hour to cook something when you're already starving.
2. It's weird to grocery shop and then cook for one person when you're used to doing it for three or four.
3. My room can get really messy in the course of a week.
4. When your first class isn't until noon, it's hard to get up for any other event occurring before 10:00.
5. Nashville rocks my face off.
6. Belmont rocks my face off.
7. I'm better at some things than I thought I was in the past, and I'm worse at some things than I thought I was in the past, but it's all good.
   
8. I'm a lot lazier than I want to be, and it's the toughest flaw to overcome, because I'm too lazy. Not lazy in a physical sense, but lazy as in I'm lacking in the discipline to get things done and do them well.
   
9. You can make really good friends in the course of six weeks.
10. You can make really good friends in the course of one day.
11. I really like my friends here. I really like my friends back home. I love them all.
    
12. We're not always as unique as we'd like to think we are, but that's totally OK. We don't need to waste our lives trying to be different than everyone else because really, the more we all try to be unique, the more we become alike. Belmont seems to be the perfect example of that. I love it anyway.
13. Weekdays here are crazy busy.
    
14. Weekends are expensive.
15. I wish weekends were less expensive.
    
16. I love weekends (it was quite the opposite at Samford, ironically).
17. Even though I've been clean-shaven for most of my life, it was really startling to see myself without a beard after having one for three months.
18. Some of my classes are easier than I expected them to be, but some of them are a lot harder than I expected them to be.
19. Lost is an amazing show.
    
20. I'm learning to take less for granted.
21. It used to be my least favorite season, but I'm beginning to appreciate the fall.
    
22. I'm so glad I came here.
23. God is always good (I already knew this, but I thought I'd put it here for the heck of it, because it's true.)

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In other news, I had and awesome weekend (refer to #15 in the above list) I went and saw Derek Webb at the Rutledge! Thanks to an acquaintance (who became a good friend over the course of Saturday), I was able to help Derek Webb's band set up the stage for the show! The show itself was awesome. And when I say awesome, I mean like really awesome. After the show, I kind of lazily helped pack/clear up the stage, and then I got a picture with Derek Webb himself! In short, it was a crazily ridiculously awesome day (It's too late to think of any unique adjectives...and it doesn't even matter - refer to #12 in the above list).

Here comes bed, and another wild and crazy week. Bring it on.

In the month that I've been here, I have...

...played basketball, racquetball, kickball, sand volleyball, spades, poker, kings on the corner, war, egyptian ratscrew, b.s., and speed

...eaten at the Pancake Pantry, Provence, General Jackson's, Margo's Cafe, Five Guys, Taco Bell, Maggie Moo's, Chiles, Qdoba, Papa John's, California Pizza Kitchen, Cafe Coco, and Mike's Ice Cream.

...visited the Village Chapel, Fellowship Bible Church, Brentwood Baptist Church, Journey Church at Franklin, and CrossPoint.

...written four papers: "Merit-Based Scholarships: Stratifying Educational Attainment One by One," "D is For Democracy," "In Paradisum: Reflection and Analysis," and "Was Ich So Weit Gelernt Habe."

...gotten groceries at Trader Joe's, Target, and Kroger.

...seen the lead singer of Paramore and I'm pretty sure Michael Tait (former DC Talk member and new lead singer of the Newsboys)

...watched the entire Bourne trilogy, Office Space, Monsters Inc., Elf, and the first two seasons of Lost

...done lots of laundry

...made a total mess of my room

...read a lot, especially for class

...had lots of jam/worship sessions

...had good conversations with friends new and old.

It's been awesome, but my, how the weeks fly by.

I need to remember
to take
deep
breaths
and slowww dowwwn.

It's a Rainy Night...

...part of this blog's namesake.

I love a rainy night. I love a sunny day.

It's been a month since I've gotten here, but it feels like so much longer than that. I've already made friends that I feel like I've known for so much longer than just a few weeks.

The people here are from far and wide; I've now got friends all over the U.S. of A. At Samford, people thought it was crazy that I was from 10 hours away, but here, it's no big deal at all that I'm from 8 hours away.

Life is just good.
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The other day I was prompted by something (I don't remember what, exactly) to sit and think about what my greatest fears are. Most of what I was able to list to myself were wishy-washy things that I could get over pretty quickly; I like to think of myself as a fairly sturdy, resilient person. Regardless, the one thing that really stuck out at me was the fear of letting other people down.

Disclaimers to the above statement: I am not afraid of failure; it happens. I know I'm not perfect. I am forgiven again and again by a Savior who let Himself get nailed to a cross for every stupid thing that I have ever done. Many eons ago I used to say, "I know God forgives me, but I just can't forgive myself." Thanks to an inspiring message at K-Life one night, I don't believe this to be true anymore. It doesn't matter whether I can forgive myself or not; God forgives, and that's what matters.

So where does that leave me in the midst of others who have expectations of me? Am I afraid they might not forgive me? Should that even matter, given the One who forgave us all? I don't have any particular situation in mind, but life just begs questions like these of me every now and then.
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Inspiring quotes accumulated in the past month or so:
"Don't ask questions. Just shut up."
"People are stupid. I'm a people."
"You're being sassy again. Sassafras!"
"Daneek!"
"It's a good'n."
"I'm fat." "Yep." "No."
"I have compassion for little overweight kids."
"It's called a clicker!" "It's a comm!." "It's a remote control!"
"You don't know who _____ is!?"
"I'll drive." "Are you sure?" "We always do this."
"It smells like hookah in here!"
"I feel like we've had this conversation already."

tee hee hee

Es ist eine kleine Welt.

It is a small world.

I have made so many random connections here at Belmont that I've got to list some of them:

-I've already met several people that transferred here from Samford, many of whom had the same issues with it as I did. One girl transferred from Samford, but knows people from Bolivar who went to Kanakuk with her!

-Any day that I wear Mizzou apparel, I meet like five new people from Missouri.

-One girl I met from Springfield went on a date with a guy (Jared Reed) that goes to my church in Bolivar!

-A friend of mine here grew up in Jasper, AL, which was on the way to Birmingham for me. I asked him about the one person from Jasper that I had met at Samford, it turns out that he dated her!

-I met a girl from Olive Branch, MS (also on the way to Birmingham), and we talked about the roads and gas stations and restaurants I experienced on the way through.

-Probably the craziest of all...I met another Grant from Missouri (Jeff. City). His full name is William Grant Benton, which is even funnier because mine is Grant William Haun. I casually mentioned this to my parents while they were here for Labor Day weekend, and my mom told me she knew a Duane Benton from Jefferson City whose full name was William Duane Benton (look him up on Wikipedia). She said that he served on the Court of Appeals and that she was on the Missouri Baptist Foundation with him a while back. I asked Grant if Duane Benton is his dad, and he is! My mom knew his dad! How weird is that?

Oh, life.

It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new life...

...and I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. [late January, to be exact]

That doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with leftover stuff, but it's all good bits and pieces of the remnants to wrestle with. To be a follower of Christ is to have a heart that's always a work in progress.

I can't believe how good He is.

"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

yeah

Vision

I see the Man of Sorrows and His long, troubled road
I see the world on His shoulders and my easy load
"When the Saints" - Sara G.

Funny/Crazy Experience

So...I was trying to cut apart two big pieces of chicken when I ended up stabbing my index finger. After freaking out for a bit, I was able to stop the bleeding. After washing the blood off my hands in the kitchen sink, I tried turning off the faucet, but it wouldn't go off. I tried and tried and tried again to twist the knob all the way off, but it felt stuck and the water just kept running at full speed.

I ran to the Clubhouse and had my RA call maintenance to come and fix the problem. I waited around in my kitchen for an hour, but maintenance never came and the water just kept running. Then Jeremy walked in, I told him the story, and he went over to the sink and turned the COLD water knob off. I had been going crazy on the hot water know the whole time! Embarrassing.

Oh, life.

Church

I am looking for a church to attend.

There are a lot of churches in Nashville; it's the buckle of the Bible Belt and the Protestant Vatican. There are a lot of churches that love and serve and follow and teach and worship Jesus.

I don't want to be church shopping the entire year...I'm only going to be here this year and the next. I don't even like to call it "shopping." I don't want to say I'm "shopping" for the Bride of Christ.

Here are my standards: (is it good to have standards? am i being selfish? i really don't know)

1. First and foremost, what I mentioned about loving and serving and following Jesus.
2. Diversity, at least in age and generation if not by race or class. There are quite a few "trendy" churches around here attended mostly by white, middle-class people in their twenties and thirties. It's kind of a sad fact that Sunday morning is the time of week when Americans are the most segregated
3. An biblical emphasis on missions/reaching the lost.
4. A healthy concern for worldwide social justice.
5. A college ministry, perhaps?

Things I'm not entirely concerned about:
1. Worship style, as long as it's worship
2. Distance from Belmont, as long as I'm not driving all the way to Kentucky
3. When services begin or end or how long they are

So...uh, yeah.
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Today was just a good day.

I love it here.

It's funny how you learn so much about yourself from people that you are just getting to know. Recently people have drawn simple conclusions about me that I've never thought about before. The other day, someone said, "You're pretty nonchalant about most things, aren't you?" Huh...I guess I am.

The most random, funny thing happened tonight - Just for the heck of it, Jeremy and I decided to go to a casino night being held in the lobby of Thrailkill Hall. There were 4-6ish tables playing poker with chips (but no money...don't worry, we weren't gambling). I grabbed a set of chips and joined a game. I hadn't played poker since I was like 11, so I was pretty much clueless as I played. I basically bled chips throughout the two-hour game, but amazingly at the very end, basically by dumb luck, I won. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back they announced that I had gotten the highest score out of all the tables! I won a couple of James Bond DVDs.

Oh, life.

My gallon of milk in the fridge expires today, so I've drank over half of it this afternoon and evening. Just a little bit more...

yyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

Name

I was born nineteen and one half years ago.

Childhood: "Anything you can do I can do better; I can do anything better than you."

Age 11: "It's hard to be me. Maybe I should be someone else..."

Age 13/14: "I need to be better, faster, smarter, bigger, and stronger than I am now. "

Age 17: "I guess I'm okay with myself."

August 26, 2009, 10:14 A.M. Age 19.5: I am Grant Haun, and I like it.

I Am Aware of All Towering Traditions

Today was such a good day.

I normally suck at meeting people, but somehow things went better today.

I am sore and I like it.

Soon I will post something with more substance, but for now...
...that's all, folks!

Giddy...

...I am in Nashville.

I'm lovin' it!

God is great.

Leaving on Friday

PackedyPackPackPacking

Buh Bye Buh Bye Bye folks

I'm LikeLuhLikeLuhLikeLikeLikin' the looks of this.

Incurable Cynicism To Unrelenting Contentedness

"I can't believe it's been _______ ago."
"I can't believe that was just _________ ago."
"It's weird to think that that was _________ ago."
"I can't believe it's already over."
"I can't believe it's only been _________."

Ever heard one of these phrases come out of my mouth? Well, you're about to hear (or read, I guess) another: "I can't believe summer is almost over!"

What is it about my perception of time that causes me to look back and say these things? How does one go about feeling time pass?

Another token phrase: "It's weird to think that just a year ago, I had no idea I would be where I am now."

A year ago, I was about to leave Bolivar, Missouri, the place I had called home for eighteen years and go off to college in Birmingham, Alabama. I was so excited. Older friends and family members had built up college as being one of the best parts of their lives because they made so many friends, learned so much, and made so many good memories. Needless to say, I went off to college with high expectations, and an optimistic, positive notion of how my first year would go.

I did not have this experience.

Now, a year later, I'm about to go off to a new school. I'm still excited. I still want to have a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook. However, this time I can't help but have low expectations. As long as the experience I have at Belmont is 0.01% better that it was at Samford, I'll be satisfied. Scratch that. Even if it ends up being worse than Samford, I'll be satisfied.

Because God is in control.

All I need is God.

And that is what I learned from this past year. Even though I've known that to be true in black and white for most of my life, I really experienced it for real last year.

That's all.

I can't wait to be in Nashville.

Summer

rocks my face off. [figuratively]

I Don't Pledge Allegiance to the Flag

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It’s to a King and a Kingdom."
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"My kingdom is not of this world." - Jesus

You can no more have a Christian worldly government than you can have a Christian petunia or aardvark. - The Myth of a Christian Nation

Laws enforced by the sword control behavior but cannot change hearts, no matter how sharp the sword is. The redemption of the cross does what laws and bullets and bombs can never do – bring transformation of evildoers and enemies. - Myth of a Christian Nation

We've never had a savior on Capitol Hill. - Derek Webb

Any peace achieved by violence is a peace forever threatened by violence. - Gregory Boyd

Peace by way of war
is like purity by way of fornication
It's like telling someone murder is wrong
and then showing them by way of execution

and I would rather die
I would rather die
I would rather die than to take your life

'cause how can I kill the ones I'm supposed to love?
My enemies are men like me.
So I will protest the sword if it's not wielded well
'cause my enemies are men like me

When justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
Oh, the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor...

...so how can I kill the ones I'm supposed to love?
My enemies are men like me.
So I will protest the sword if it's not wielded well
'cause my enemies are men like me
-Derek Webb, "My Enemies are Men Like Me"

Summer is Already 1/3 Over...Don't Panic

Just got back from vacation...it was awesome! Had a great time with the 'rents.

Went to Belmont transfer orientation on the way back. There were a LOT more transfers than I expected. I met my flatmate Jeremy, and he was really cool. He's from Reno, Nevada, and this was the first time that he had actually been to Belmont in person. It was kind of funny to hear him talk about how cool it was to see and be around so many trees [Reno is in the middle of deserts and mountains]. I wonder if Nashville will induce culture shock on him.

I registered for classes:
MWF:
Elementary French I - 9:00-9:50
Intermediate German I - 11:00-11:50
Sociology of Education - 12:00-12:50
Statistics - 4:00-5:15
TTH:
Introduction to Music: Style, Culture, and History - 11:00-12:15

Time is flying....less than two months until school starts again. Wow.

Humidity

It's all over the place.
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Ever since I've been home, I have:
-cleaned my room
-rid my room of tons of stuff that I've lived without for a year and can probably live without for the rest of my life
-unpacked
-cleaned out my closet (still in process)
-rid my closet of clothes that I don't need
-done endless laundry and dishes
-spent forever getting the lawn mower to work correctly
-mowed for hours on end (which I like!)
-pulled tons of weeds
-planted some random plants
-cleaned house for the several random guests we've had recently
-cooked lots of stuff
-made gallons of iced tea
-done grocery shopping
-looked around for jobs
-signed up for summer school at SBU
-hung out with friends in the evening
-said goodbye to friends that will be gone for the summer/part of the summer
-moved an old lady's stuff out from Parkview
-moved Kendall's stuff from his duplex to his new apartment in Columbia
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Since last August, I have crossed the border into Missouri fourteen times, Tennessee nine times, Alabama nine times, Arkansas seven times, Kansas seven times, Mississippi six times, Kentucky three times, Illinois three times, Texas twice, Florida once, and Georgia once. That's more than 6,500 miles. Whew.

I am going to sleep.

Ready, set, go.

Yes indeed...

Home

It's a good place to be. Life is good.
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Now for some random statements...

I am halfway done with college.

High school already seems like a long time ago.

It was really weird to say goodbye to people at Samford considering I will likely never see them again. I said a lot of awkward "Have a good life!"s. Driving away was so bittersweet.

It was the best drive of the 10 times I've done it. It was warm, sunny, and it never rained. It has rained 8 out of the 10 times I've driven it.

I still have unpacking to do. It's a process. I secretly enjoy it.

I am going to Edisto Island, SC in less than a month. Really lookin' forward to it. Belmont orientation on the way back.

I'm going to Towering Traditions (welcome week) at Belmont even though I'll be a junior. I figure it'll be a good way to meet people.

I'd like a job, but not many places are employing at the mo'.

I like/love my friends.

It's a good day in the [my] neighborhood.

What my mind/notes are full of...

I'm on a Mutemath kick right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAtXKS9ZxvM
Good stuff.

Important Dates:
711 - Muslims take over Spain. Bummer.
800 - Charlemagne crowned Holy Roman Emperor. Wahoo.
1492 - Columbus sails the ocean blue and Christians retake Spain.
1588 - Spanish Armada fails epically.
1688 - Revolution of the Glorious sort.
1789 - Revolution of the French sort.
1870 - Italy and Germany shake it all off and become their own nations.

Folks of the British Isles: Romans Celts England Ireland Scotland Wales Angles Saxons Jutes Normans 1066

Stuart Sandwich:
James I
Charles I
Charles II
James I

Protestant Reformation: John Wycliffe, Jan Huss, Martin Luther, Diet of Worms, "Hier stehe ich," Pope, 95 Theses, solafidesolagratiasolascripturasolaChristo, church, nationalism, wealth, Schmalkaldic League, Peace of Augsburg, "Cujus regio, ejus religio," 1500-1650, John Calvin, Zwingli, Henry VIII, "Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived." I WILL REFORM YOU!

"I am just not a Calvinist." - Mom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt5AJr0wls0

Lots of Bourbons. Lots of Louis. Lots and lots and lots of Louis.

Copernicus Newton Kepler Hobbes Descarte Spinoza Locke Rousseau Montesquieu Ptolemny Galileo Bacon. Anything you know science knows better.

Inspiring French Quotes:
"L'etat, c'est moi!" ("I am the state!") -King Louis XIV
"I AM the senate!" - Emperor Palpatine
"Apre moi, le deluge." ("After me comes the flood.") -King Louis XV
"Ecrasez l'infame." ("Crush the infamous thing.") -Voltaire
"Liberte, egalite, fraternite." ("Liberty, equality, freedom.") -slogan of the French Revolution

Revolution of the French sort:
Louis XVI Estates-General clergy nobility commonfolk, National Assembly, Tennis Court Oath, constitution, Legislative Assembly, left wing right wing, National Convention, radical, Danton, Robespierre, Directory, Bourgeois, Proletariat, farmers, Flight to Varennes, sans culottes, Brunswick Manifesto, Jacobins, Girondists, Reign of Terror, guilloting, severed heads, constitution, democracy, consulate, Napoleon Bonaparte
"Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate, just a puppet on a lonely string, oh who would ever want to be king?" -Chris Martin of Coldplay

Romanticism: imagination, the infinite, individual expression, wild, weird, untamed, nature, emotion, organic. "The nature is so mad that it wants to eat your Frankenstein during a torrential hurricane who is expressing its grief at the loss of its Ozymandias." -my take on Romanticism

19th Century Economics: Malthus, Ricardo, Bentham, Mill, Hegel and his dialectic, Marx, Smith, Wealth of Nations, capitalism vs. socialism, law of supply and demand, Factory Act of 1833, class struggles, bourgeoisie vs. proletariat, economic determinism, surplus value, industralism

Three Emperor's League: Austria, Germany, Russia
Dual Alliance: Austria, Germany
Triple Alliance: Italy Austria, Germany
Double Entente: France, Russia
Triple Entente: England, France, Russia

Yep.

Done with Classes

Hallelujah!

I only have two finals: one at 8:00 AM on Wednesday the 13th and one at 8:00 AM on Thursday the 14th, after which I will hop in my car and drive home. So, I basically have a four-day weekend until the final on Wednesday. Normally I would totally welcome a four-day weekend, but this one will test my last bit of patience. I might go insane. I'm already bored out of my mind. I just don't really have much to do besides study a bit and pack up my stuff (which I've already done quite a bit of).

This afternoon I was so bored that I went into Paint, made kooky drawings/paintings, saved them as jpeg files, and then edited them with Picnik. As geeky as it was, it was kind of fun.



The other night I was in such a good mood that I had trouble getting to sleep. It was weird...and awesome...and even though I only ended up getting three or four hours of sleep, I wasn't tired at all the next day.

So apparently Bolivar has been stricken by a tornado...? My mom said our trampoline flew away...until it smacked into one of our gutters. No more stargazing on the trampoline. Bummer.

Life is good, nonetheless.

Seeing the strange in the familiar...

...and vice versa.
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I went to Nashville this past weekend. It was a total blast; I went to a formal with a neighbor from Bolivar, hung out at Belmont, went exploring, got coffee with another friend from Bolivar, saw Belmont's best of the best music showcase, and visited a church that I'm pretty sure I'll attend next semester when I get to Belmont.

I think I can honestly say I've finally come to a point where I no longer feel like I live two separate lives and I can now reconcile my two "worlds": Bolivar and Birmingham. Ironically, the latter will cease to be a world of mine in about two weeks. That's just weird to think about. In about three and a half months, I'll have a new world to reconcile with Bolivar: Nashville. That's also really weird to think about.

Four semesters left of college. Honestly, that actually doesn't feel weird to me. High school already seems like a while ago. I would say something about how close I am to being on my own out in the real world, but virtually, I already am (well, not financially, but otherwise).
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At the beginning of this semester, I was stoked about how awesome [I expected] this semester was going to be.

It's been the worst semester of my life.

but honestly, in a way,

I secretly love how it has turned out.

I've had to rely on God more than ever.

A very wise person recently told me that as I get older, I will likely find this to become even more true.

and I believe it.

and I'm okay with it.

one hundred percent.

It's a good day in the neighborhood.

How to Save a Life

I know it was a week ago, but Easter was awesome. I had an excellent e x t e n d e d weekend at home.

I almost died on the way back. In hilly/mountainous/forested northern Arkansas, my front right tire caught the gravel edge of the two-lane road on which I was driving, sending me swerving off the road, spinning down a muddy hill where I almost crashed into the trees where the forest began. It felt so surreal that I had to tell myself, "Grant, this is actually happening." I had my laptop in the passenger's seat playing my iTunes library, and the song playing while I was spinning down the hill was Mind's Eye by DC Talk, at this point in the song:

...like a child i hold onto You
in my moment of truth, yes i do

we can ride the storm,
endure the pain
You comfort me in my hurricane
and i'll never be alone again

I'm not even joking.

Several people stopped along the highway and ran down the hill to see if I was okay. I was a little shaken and embarrassed, but amazingly, my car and I were totally fine. After some tricky maneuvering, I was able to drive back up the hill back onto the highway.

*wipes sweat off brow*

God is good. Even if I had crashed and died, God is good. All the time.
_________________________

I finished two papers today. Relief.

14 days of class left. This is the part of the semester I call "survival mode."

I have a newfound love for the Philly Cheese Steak Wrap things in the food court. They combine three of my favorite things: red meat, cheese, and bread.

Amen.

Wo Das Herz Ist

72 hours from now, I will be coming through this exact front door.

:)

The whole time I've been away at college, I've never actually been homesick. I think of Bolivar fondly, but I'm not really dying to be there.

But now I sure am ready to be there.
_______________________________________________

"Is there anything better than finally finding your way home?
Is there anything worse than finally reaching home and finding that you're still lost?

[Grant] reflected bitterly that a large part of growing up seemed to involve watching everything change, and discovering that all change is permanent. That nothing ever changes back.

That you can't go home again."

-Matthew Stover, in his book, Traitor

^This used to describe my life at one point. I couldn't handle change for the life of me. I couldn't even rearrange my room. I got extremely tantrum-throwing-upset when we moved across town when I was 8.

That's not me anymore.

Seeking control of change does not allow me to pursue my calling. If I'm trying to tame change, am I really allowing Jesus to be Lord of my life? Nope.

I'm tired of living what feels like two separate lives in two different states. When I walk through that door in 72 hours, I will attempt to be the exact same person that walked out of it at the end of spring break...

...only changed.

August 2008 - May 2009

I don't know what this year means to me exactly.

When I'm like 50 (if I make it that far) how will I remember this year? What will this one year that I spent at Samford University in suburban Birmingham, Alabama mean to me? Who will I remember? How will I remember the Samford experience as a whole?

One thing's for sure:

I have done a lot of growing up here.

Nothing could ever remake me into the kid that climbed into his luggage-filled Toyota Corolla and left his small, cozy, Midwestern hometown to go to college in Birmingham, Alabama, 562 miles away.

"Found my way through the door to the great unknown;
[Something was telling me that this would shape my destiny]
Take my hand, understand you are not alone."
____________________________________________

Update: Belmont accepts me! All of my credits transferred. Hallelujah {Hebrew, "Hallelu Yah" = Praise the Lord!)

The Verdict

After several weeks of thoughts, prayers, discussions with friends and family, and inner turmoil, I've finally reached a decision.

Upon acceptance, I will be transferring to Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. I'll be majoring in sociology with a cultural studies emphasis.

I am...
relieved.
excited.
nervous.
anxious.
happy.
content.

*huge sigh of relief*

Here and Now

I spent so much time wanting to grow up. Trying to grow up.
Trying to act like an adult...
Now all I want is to be a kid again.
Just for a little while. Just a day.
Just an hour.

I wrote this in a journal when I was 15. They're not my original words; I copied them from a Star Wars novel (nerdy, I know) in which the main character is plagued by philosophical conundrums as he faces adulthood. He is also too introspective for his own good. Sounds just like me.

I've come a long way since 15, or at least I'd certainly like to think so. Now that I'm 19, reading that quote again (and feeling the same way I did when I copied it at 15) has made me realize something about myself: I often find myself looking forward to the next big thing. In elementary school, I looked forward to intermediate school. In intermediate school, I couldn't wait to be in middle school. In middle school, I felt I couldn't possibly be complete until I got to high school, where I spent so much time preparing for college.

Preparing for and looking forward to the future is not a bad thing in itself, but I do it to an extremely unhealthy extent. I think so much about my future that I forget that there's a present. On the rare occasion that I do manage to come back to the present, I find myself lost and confused as to where I am now and what I'm doing here.

Why do I worry about tomorrow when each day has enough trouble of its own?

Jesus sure knew what He was talking about on that Mount.

Peace

I have a purpose. Ultimately, as a follower of Christ, I am called to make disciples. Of all nations.

What I'm really struggling with is how I can best get there from here (college).

I wrote the previous post in my journal on Sunday night. In the two days since then, I've already felt more at peace about it. I'm still in the throes of the big decision, but I'm still breathing. My heart's still beating. Nothing and nobody can provide peace like Jesus.

See we're not alone
He makes Himself known
In time, His own time

So breathe
Life will surprise you
Just be
It's what the world denies you
You see
The truth is all around you
Believe.

(From Brandon Heath's song "Beauty Divine")

Peace in.

The "T" Word

I thought I would never have to use it, but push has come to shove, and a tornado of circumstances has carried me to the edge: I'm considering the possibility of transferring.

In high school when I was thinking about which college to go to, I had a lot of options. Since my dad is a professor at SBU, which is part of a :club: called the Coalition of Christian Colleges and Universities, I could go to any college that was a member of the CCCU free of tuition. While this was definitely a blessing, upon further examination of the schools on the list, I found that most of them were very small, several with less than 1,000 undergraduates, and therefore had a limited selection of majors. In other words, they just weren't very appealing to me, since I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and was looking for more possibilities and opportunities. As such, I began looking at colleges outside of the "free" list.

I became intrigued by Samford. When I first visited Samford, I was overwhelmed by its awesomeness: the students and professors were so nice and the campus was so great and Birmingham was so cool and Samford had basically every majror in which I had ever expressed any interest. I got a decent deal: a good music scholarship, an academic scholarship, and planned on a music and geography double major. I was finally getting the heck outta Dodge. My future seemed to be lining up smoothly.

The first semester happened. I didn't enjoy being a music major at all. I was only doing it for the scholarship money, and I had no plans whatsoever to go into a music career. So, I relieved myself of the music major, lost the scholarship, and continued with geography.

Then it smacked me in the face again, as it has many times before: I don't know what I want to do with my life. So here I am paying through the nose for a geography degree that I don't even know what I'm going to do with. Suddenly Samford doesn't seem like the good deal that it once was.

Don't get me wrong. I love it here. Yes, I have had some adjustment issues, but regardless, I still love the people and the campus and my classes. The thought of transferring is heartbreaking.

I have so many fiddly doubts, worries, and questions.

"Where will I even go? What will I study when I get there? If I go, will I have wasted an entire year's worth of time, money, and effort here at Samford?

Yet again, I am failing to trust God. That has got to change. Now.

Decisions, Decisions...

Life's chock-full of them.

Current one: graduate college in three years with one major, or four years with two majors?
___________________________________________________________________
Three-Year Track Pros:

• Saves quite a bit of money; a whole year less of tuition, room/board, and fees.
• It's faster (obviously). I could "get on with my life" sooner, if you will.
• It's what I've planned on doing for quite a while now.

Three-Year Track Cons:

• I still have no clue what I want to do with my life, so why the hurry to graduate from college?
• I may not get the full college experience. My parents have repeatedly told me not to hurry college, because I might be passing up opportunities, growing experiences, and good times with friends.

Four-Year Track Pros:

• I'd graduate with two majors, which would make me more "marketable," or so I've been told.
• I'd supposedly get the full four-year college experience.
• With the extra year, it's more possible that I might learn more about what I want to do with my life.

Four-Year Track Cons:

• To quote Luke Skywalker when his uncle wants him to stay for the harvest, "But it's a whole 'nother year!"
• It's a whole 'nother year to be indebted by tuition, room/board, and fees.
• I don't really know what the second major would be. Maybe Sociology or German (random, I know).
  

I just don't know.

With the current economic climate, it'd be a good thing to have two degrees, and in turn, more options, but now that I've planned on graduating in three years for so long, I feel really claustrophobic at the thought of staying an additional year. My parents have encouraged me time and time again to not rush college because they had such a great time. They made many lifelong friends and dated and married each other. I understand their sentiment.

However, I think my circumstances are different. I haven't admitted it to myself until recently, but to be quite honest, I'm not having the greatest experience here. College just hasn't been what I expected it to be. I haven't made any good friends. I don't have any quality girls clamoring to be my future wife. I enjoy my classes and my professors, but I don't feel like I'm learning a whole lot. I'm struggling to foresee how much more I will actually know when I graduate. What if I graduate to find that I spent like $100,000 just to learn that Dutch people settled New Amsterdam? I'm not trying to whine or complain or solicit sympathy. I'm just expressing my experience thus far.

Maybe I'm just being cynical. In 8th grade (barftastic year) history class, we had to keep a weekly journal of thoughts and opinions for Mrs. Ross. Once, as she handed my graded journal back, she told me in the most dead-serious tone possible, "You are too young to be that cynical." I don't remember what I had written about, and she had given me an A, but it what she said scared the heeby jeebies outta me. Here I am, six years later, and I'm still just as cynical, if not more. But that's besides the point.

I trust that God's got my future in His hands. I see his work, love, and forgiveness in my past. What's hardest for me is the present. I just don't know what to do here and now.

I need patience.

Recent Events...

...because the last two posts have been heavier, I thought I'd share some more lighthearted happ'nings of late.

Weekend of February 20-22 - My parents flew to Birmingham to hang out, and we had a blast. We went downtown and toured the Civil Rights Museum, the art museum, ate lunch at Bottega's Cafe, went on a scenic drive through suburban Birmingham, walked around the Summit, ate at Joe's Crab Shack, and had a super-dee-duper swell time. I absolutely love and admire my parents, and of course, didn't realize how much I took them for granted until I went off to college 562 miles away from home.

Week of February 23-27 - A good week. The busiest/most productive week yet. I took my first multiple-choice test since coming to Samford, and it was glorious. Read a lot for U.S. & Canada Regional Geography and Cultural Perspectives. My birthday was on Thursday, and it was great; I had one class in the morning, and I was able to relax the rest of the day. Had a good conversation with my brother and then my parents on the phone. Went to college worship gathering at my church in the evening and I loved it, as usual (I love just about everything affiliated with my church: the services, the pastor, my small group, but most importantly, Jesus).

This past weekend - Spent most of Saturday working on a paper for Cultural Perspectives. On Sunday morning, it SNOWED! I was thrilled to see snow down here, especially since it was already the first of March. It's kind of funny; I got on Facebook on Saturday morning, and all of my MO friends were like, "Hey, it snowed." Then when I awoke Sunday morning, I got on Facebook and everyone here at Samford was like, "OH MY GOSH, IT SNOWED!" It was only like 2.5ish inches, but I overheard a senior say that that's the biggest snowfall here in the last four years. Either way, I was glad to see it. I went to church where hardly anyone showed up. By the time I walked out into the parking lot after the service, the snow was almost all the way melted! Bummer. I got to my car in the parking lot, and when I tried starting it, nothing happened. I sat there and troubleshooted for half and hour, before I called my parents and whined about it, and they reminded me of my AAA membership, so I called AAA, and they got all my information and I gave them directions to my location. It was a while before assistance showed up, and when the help guy finally got to me, the hood of my car wouldn't open for some reason, and it took a long time to finally figure out what was wrong. When we were finally able to pop the hood, we jumped the battery, and my car FINALLY started. I was in that parking lot for almost three hours! It was quite an experience. It made me realize how impatient I can be and how much I take driving for granted due to living in a country that has one of the highest rates of car ownership per capita. When compared to the rest of the world, I'm lucky to even have a car. Anyway, I got back to my dorm, finished my CP paper, had a good conversation with my RA, read a lot, and made it to bed very worn out.

Life's good. I've got victory in the form of a crucified Savior.

Forward Motion...

...is harder than it sounds.

I have diagnosed myself with Hyper Denial Syndrome (HDS).

I don't know exactly when I came to this realization, but lately it has been revealed to me how much I pretend my problems/others' problems don't exist and that everything is just peachy keen.

I think this stems from a desire to appear as if I have no problems, no issues, and no worries. I've always wanted to be seen as a stoic, resilient, bold, strong guy with thick skin who is not affected by setbacks or problems of any kind. I've always wanted to appear in control. I obviously have quite a bit of humility to learn in addition to overcoming the denial.

I thought that I dealt with reputation/name issues long ago, but in reality, I've just denied that they're there, and now I am facing them head-on for the first time.

It's tough. It's no simple thing to face my own selfishness and other personal flaws which that selfishness entails. It's not easy to admit that I have been too weak and lazy to look my imperfections in the face and deal with them and learn lessons and ask forgiveness and make things right with God and pray for heart renovation and surge forward.

...but I've got to.

It's the point at which I learn the most about God.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
You're up to something bigger than me,
larger than life, something heavenly.
("Whatever You're Doing" - Sanctus Real. Good song.)

The chaos is the hard part to navigate. It seems as though I'm teetering on the brink of collapse. As valid as my feelings my be, my Savior identifies with sufferers more than I could even know. For that reason alone, I know there's hope. I've never been more sure of it.

We've seen the tragic flaws, the tortured souls,
the saints with feet of clay; here's where sin becomes cliche
We've come through wilderness and watched
the cloud by day, the burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong, you are not lost,
come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong, you and I run
for the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure, get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

("Stay Strong" - Newsboys. Another good song.)

Life's good.

Long, Whiny, Post

Something I'm too prideful to admit aloud:
I feel as though I have no friends here at Samford.

I know that it's not the complete truth. I'm not an antisocial loner. Depending on how loosely you define "friend," you could say that I have tons of friends here. I have lots of people that I have "befriended" through classes, activities, church, and other venues. I have "friends" that I eat lunch with, have good conversations with, and can stop and talk to. I love all of the people here (at least, I strive to as I'm commanded to do so). There are several people that I have a lot in common with.

In spite of all that, I feel like I don't have anybody with whom I can simply hang out. In addition, there's very little balance in the friends I do have- I either just have class with them and nothing else, or I just eat meals with them and nothing else, or just have ex. curricular activities with them and nothing else, etc. It seems as if there's no one who bridges any of these gaps.

My loneliness is easy to conceal on the outside, but on the inside, I'm often extremely discouraged.

Of course, my defensive mind jumps to several conclusions, all of which blame outside factors beyond my control. In psychological attribution theory, this is called the self-serving bias. We as humans tend to blame our failures on factors beyond our control, while attributing our successes to our personal effort. Regardless, I still make petty excuses, whether they're valid or not:

1. At Samford I experience cultural differences, on two counts. First is the regional culture difference, leaving the Midwest for the South, but when I really look at the differences with an honest examination, there are no stark, blaring, divisive differences that would really cause any difficulties in befriending people. I knew what to expect when I came.

The second big difference is the rift between my rural self and the predominantly suburban Samford. This, I think, is the paramount cultural difference that gives me (there's the self-serving bias again) the most difficulty when making friends. I'm used to making up fun, wild, and obscure things to do in and around small-town Bolivar. I'm used to hanging out at friends' houses because everything in town is closed after 9:00 P.M. I'm used to fields, backyards, porches, hills, and creeks. It's a bit funny - I never would have considered myself a simple, small-town country boy until I came here. Most people here at Samford have grown up around movie theaters, shopping malls, restaurants, nightclubs, 24-hour public places, and other common, money-dependent facets of suburbia. I'm not necessarily trying to criticize the suburban lifestyle; my point is that when it comes down to "hanging out," there is quite a contrast between what I'm used to and what most people here are used to.

It's funny to astound people with things that I haven't experienced. My roommate laughed when I told him that I had just gone to a Publix for the first time. I went to a J. Crew for the first time this past summer, and my house is a good 45 minutes from the nearest Chik-Fil-A. It's also funny to me when people here claim to be "country" when they're from Birmingham or Atlanta or Nashville or Memphis or D/FW.

2. I came here knowing a grand total of one person. It's more difficult to make friends when there are few/no connections. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it seems like everyone here came with a bunch of friends from high school.

3. I don't belong to a fraternity, nor did I ever want to in the first place; Greek life doesn't appeal to me: the dressing up, the formalities, having to make good impressions, the rushing and pledging, etc. I'm not slamming Greek life; I have friends who are a part of it, and I'm sure it's fun and rewarding for those who are a into it, but for only 30ish percent of Samford students being Greek, you hear about Greek life ALL the time, which can get old when you're not a part of it.

4. A lot of people go home on the weekends, which isn't an option for me. Campus seems to go pretty dead on weekends.

5. Although I make fun of my friends from home who go to stricter Baptist colleges that have curfews and all that, I almost think it would be easier to meet people and make friends if everyone was required to be back in the same place by a certain time.

6. That's another thing - I couldn't name half the people on my hall, and even after a semester, I still see people who I didn't know lived on my hall.

7. I'm not in the Fellows Program, and I'm regretting that I didn't apply because I think I could have found several friends there among the "smart kids." I'm friends with the few people I've met who are in the program, but they since have their classes within the Fellows program, it's harder for them to be friends with the outside world. They're pretty much a cult. Recently one of them said something to the effect of, "Even if I weren't in the Fellows Program, I'd still be friends with ______ and ______ because they're awesome." My problem with that statement is, if that person had not been in the Fellows Program, there would be little chance that the person would even know ______ and ______, and even if they did know them, there would be no guarantee that they would get to know them well enough to find out that they are indeed "awesome." Anyway, I shouldn't be complaining- I'm friends with all three of the people in question.

8. Having dropped the music major (hallelujah!), I rarely see the music majors that I befriended last semester (bummer).

I could list several more, but I'll refrain. I need to complain less and act more.

In the small group I go to that I found through my church (I love it, both my small group and my church) we're reading a book called Knowing God. One of the points that the author makes early in the book is that people who know God have great contentment in God. This was incredibly convicting to read. How often do I live contently because I have such a powerful, merciful, loving God to serve? Here I am whining about my life.
The auther includes a small poem:

Lord, it belongs not to my care
Whether I die or live;
To love Thee is my share,
And this Thy grace must give.

If life be long I will be glad,
That I may long obey;
If short--then why should I be sad
To soar to endless day?

I've got to start living like I know my God. I've got to live to know God more intimately.

I've got to learn contentment in God.

Bagels...

...make for a scrumptious breakfast.

I just had a particularly awesome week.

On Thursday I went to Step Sing, and it rocked my face off. It was great! For those of you who don't know, Step Sing is a huge competition here at Samford in which various groups, clubs, fraternities, and sororities perform themed song-and-dance routines. It's a whole lot of fun to watch. Here's an example - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3AVVjd2kg.

Friday the 13th was a good day. I guess I'm not superstitious.

I just finished another book (I'm a reading machine nowadays) about a town that is continuously terrorized by a very creepy, messed-up cult that bombs anything it considers "unpretty." They also kidnap people who look similar to the figures in Michelangelo's The Last Judgment. In the end, they're finally defeated by the quirky protagonists. The book does an alarmingly good job of portraying America's obsession with "prettiness."

My parents are coming to visit me here in the 'ham next weekend!

It's a good day.

When Justice Is Bought and Sold...

I recently finished a book called The Heir. It is one of the best Christian fiction books I've ever read; I highly recommend it.

I feel compelled to give a synopsis, so don't read if you don't like spoilers: It's about a guy who inherits a billion dollars when his father dies. He takes over his father's job, determined not to be the greedy, corrupt man that his father was. As he begins to feel the stress and responsibilities of being a billionaire, mysterious events surround him. Shady acquaintances make sketchy business deals, and suspicious colleagues pressure him into making uncomfortable decisions. Soon it is revealed that his father's death was a murder. As the story progresses, a series of murders claim the lives of many of his acquaintances, friends, and family. He decides he just can't handle the pressures of being a billionaire anymore, and realizes that he is beginning to become exactly like his devious father. So, he divides the money it up and gives it to various foundations. Soon after that, he is wrongfully blamed for all of the murders, so he flees his home and travels sporadically throughout rural New York, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia, trying to stay unrecognized. With little money, a huge search warrant on his head, estranged friends and family who believe he is the killer, and injuries from being mugged, he hits rock bottom. When he goes back to New York to his only friend that still believes in his innocence, in a heart-wrenching moment, he figures out that that friend is the murderer! Eventually he is able to escape the friend's attempt to kill him, he exposes the friend's murders, and he is finally exonerated and able to go home to his friends and family.

"Around us the light faded and the twilight deepened. All we knew was silence. And in the silence, free of the babble of questions that had always torn at my mind and my thoughts, I knew that God had given me a life and a purpose."

You can call me absolutely pathetic, but this made me cry like a baby, and that's not something I do very often at all, let alone admit to doing when it does happen. Maybe it's because it was 2:00 in the morning when I read it, and it really quelled my fears caused by being clueless of what my future looks like. Anyway, it was just the perfect thought at that moment in the book, having been reunited with his family and friends, proven innocent, and learning some very hard lessons after being scorched by his position as hotshot billionaire.

Whew.

Grace + Peace

Thursday.

Thursday is my favorite day of the weekdays, and it always has been.

My weeks tend to go something like this:
1. Monday is the nice, fresh start to the school week, but sometimes getting back into the swing of things after a relaxing weekend can be tough.
2. Usually by Tuesday I'm ready to face the week, but if there's not a whole lot of work to be done, I can be kinda lazy, and laziness wastes important time.
3. Wednesday is the busiest day of the week, so it tends to be either very good or very not-so-good depending on the balance between the work I accomplish and my stress level.
4. Thursday! I don't know what it is about Thursday that makes it so great. Perhaps it's when I best strike the balances between classes, homework, social events, relaxation, and time spent with the Lord. Maybe it's because I've evaluated my week thus far and have decided how it can be bettered. I don't know.
5. Fridays are fine, but it's easy to be impatient while sitting through classes knowing that there's a weekend imminent.

That's not to say that every week of my life is exactly like this, but it seems to be the most recognizable, stereotypical pattern through my middle school and high school years.

Having explained all of this, I've realized that I've got to make this week pattern stop. Throw a wrench in it.

In a psychology class that I took recently, we learned that stereotypes exist and persist because we let them exist and persist. Once our mind has adhered to a stereotype, we tend to ignore (and often subconsciously ignore) observations that contradict the stereotype of the thing or people in question. It's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That being said, I feel that since I begin a week expecting it to go the stereotypical way, I simply allow it to turn out that way. Why should I work harder on one day over another? Why should I settle for less one day and shoot for more on another? Why not work hard every day?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heat, as working for the Lord, not for men, since your know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24

My life needs to reflect this verse everyday. Not just on Thursdays.

Here I am again.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

This has been a persistent, nagging insecurity that has chewed on me since I was four years old. I am usually successful in pushing it to the back of my mind, but every now and then during a fleeting, vacant moment, it consumes my conscious thoughts. It's been enveloping my mind quite a bit recently.

I remember sitting in preschool one day when we were going around the circle telling everyone what we want to be when we grow up. Of course, at that age, the majority of the responses were things like "cowboy," "police officer," and "doctor." When it was my turn to answer, I vividly remember saying, "I don't know."

Here I am, almost 15 years later, and I still don't know.

Sure, there have been times where a certain profession has seemed like an attractive option, and when people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I usually just said the one that was on my mind. In 5th grade (best grade, ever!), I thought teaching would be fun; in middle school I thought I would make a good lawyer or a fine psychologist; in high school, I thought I'd made a pretty good foreign service officer or international spy; and most recently, urban planning.

I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know what I don't enjoy learning about and doing. I know what I do enjoy learning about and doing: geography, culture, psychology, sociology, history, foreign language, music -- the social sciences and humanities in a nutshell. I know I want to help people. I know I want to use my God-given talents and abilities to further His kingdom. Regardless of what my interests, strengths, and aspirations may be, I still can't find any clear-cut pathway to a suitable career. It's as though I can only see two feet in front of me because everything past that is obscured by fog. It's tough being patient and waiting for whatever comes my way. Perhaps I should learn to simply be okay with not knowing.

I've recently made a resolution to be more decisive. Although I have been successful in other things that have, in the past, stricken me with indecision, I just can't seem to defeat this particular uncertainty.

I know God has a plan for my life; He's carried me through so much already. I believe that statement even more than I believe in the floor that I'm sitting on. I'm not worried, and I'm not trying to sit here and complain away my problems (I used to try that, and it never worked.) I'm just plagued by indeterminacy. Who knows, maybe this is just unproductive, emotional garbage, but sometimes things make more sense in my mind when I write (in this case, type) them down.

Yep.
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I'm really ready to go to bed, by my roommate and his girlfriend are in here playing video games, and I feel kind of weird going to sleep in front of them. Oh well.

*YAAAWWN.*

G'night.

Fish and Chips, Hold the Chips

I need to live healthier.

It's not that I'm unhealthy right now. It's not because I need to lose any weight.

It's because heart disease and Alzheimer's disease are both leading causes of death in the United States, and I'm genetically vulnerable to both of them. It's because I don't want to be confined to a wheelchair when I hit 70 (if I make it that far). It's because I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't live a healthier, more active lifestyle.

So, since I got back to school, I've exercised regularly, taken daily multivitamins, eaten smaller portions during meals, eaten red meat just once, and have drank a lot of water and juice between meals to temporarily stave off hunger.

The crazy thing is, I've only been at all of this for about a week, and I already feel significantly healthier. Maybe it's just a placebo-type thing, but I really do feel more fit.

Now all I have to do is keep this up for the rest of my life. That's an intimidating thought considering I've never exercised regularly for more than a two or three month period (tennis seasons). I guess I'll see how this turns out as the semester flows on by.

By the way, I already genuinely enjoy all of my classes. They all are subjects that interest me, and I was lucky to get some very effective professors.

Can't wait for the semester to progress.