Forward Motion...

...is harder than it sounds.

I have diagnosed myself with Hyper Denial Syndrome (HDS).

I don't know exactly when I came to this realization, but lately it has been revealed to me how much I pretend my problems/others' problems don't exist and that everything is just peachy keen.

I think this stems from a desire to appear as if I have no problems, no issues, and no worries. I've always wanted to be seen as a stoic, resilient, bold, strong guy with thick skin who is not affected by setbacks or problems of any kind. I've always wanted to appear in control. I obviously have quite a bit of humility to learn in addition to overcoming the denial.

I thought that I dealt with reputation/name issues long ago, but in reality, I've just denied that they're there, and now I am facing them head-on for the first time.

It's tough. It's no simple thing to face my own selfishness and other personal flaws which that selfishness entails. It's not easy to admit that I have been too weak and lazy to look my imperfections in the face and deal with them and learn lessons and ask forgiveness and make things right with God and pray for heart renovation and surge forward.

...but I've got to.

It's the point at which I learn the most about God.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
You're up to something bigger than me,
larger than life, something heavenly.
("Whatever You're Doing" - Sanctus Real. Good song.)

The chaos is the hard part to navigate. It seems as though I'm teetering on the brink of collapse. As valid as my feelings my be, my Savior identifies with sufferers more than I could even know. For that reason alone, I know there's hope. I've never been more sure of it.

We've seen the tragic flaws, the tortured souls,
the saints with feet of clay; here's where sin becomes cliche
We've come through wilderness and watched
the cloud by day, the burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong, you are not lost,
come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong, you and I run
for the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure, get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

("Stay Strong" - Newsboys. Another good song.)

Life's good.

Long, Whiny, Post

Something I'm too prideful to admit aloud:
I feel as though I have no friends here at Samford.

I know that it's not the complete truth. I'm not an antisocial loner. Depending on how loosely you define "friend," you could say that I have tons of friends here. I have lots of people that I have "befriended" through classes, activities, church, and other venues. I have "friends" that I eat lunch with, have good conversations with, and can stop and talk to. I love all of the people here (at least, I strive to as I'm commanded to do so). There are several people that I have a lot in common with.

In spite of all that, I feel like I don't have anybody with whom I can simply hang out. In addition, there's very little balance in the friends I do have- I either just have class with them and nothing else, or I just eat meals with them and nothing else, or just have ex. curricular activities with them and nothing else, etc. It seems as if there's no one who bridges any of these gaps.

My loneliness is easy to conceal on the outside, but on the inside, I'm often extremely discouraged.

Of course, my defensive mind jumps to several conclusions, all of which blame outside factors beyond my control. In psychological attribution theory, this is called the self-serving bias. We as humans tend to blame our failures on factors beyond our control, while attributing our successes to our personal effort. Regardless, I still make petty excuses, whether they're valid or not:

1. At Samford I experience cultural differences, on two counts. First is the regional culture difference, leaving the Midwest for the South, but when I really look at the differences with an honest examination, there are no stark, blaring, divisive differences that would really cause any difficulties in befriending people. I knew what to expect when I came.

The second big difference is the rift between my rural self and the predominantly suburban Samford. This, I think, is the paramount cultural difference that gives me (there's the self-serving bias again) the most difficulty when making friends. I'm used to making up fun, wild, and obscure things to do in and around small-town Bolivar. I'm used to hanging out at friends' houses because everything in town is closed after 9:00 P.M. I'm used to fields, backyards, porches, hills, and creeks. It's a bit funny - I never would have considered myself a simple, small-town country boy until I came here. Most people here at Samford have grown up around movie theaters, shopping malls, restaurants, nightclubs, 24-hour public places, and other common, money-dependent facets of suburbia. I'm not necessarily trying to criticize the suburban lifestyle; my point is that when it comes down to "hanging out," there is quite a contrast between what I'm used to and what most people here are used to.

It's funny to astound people with things that I haven't experienced. My roommate laughed when I told him that I had just gone to a Publix for the first time. I went to a J. Crew for the first time this past summer, and my house is a good 45 minutes from the nearest Chik-Fil-A. It's also funny to me when people here claim to be "country" when they're from Birmingham or Atlanta or Nashville or Memphis or D/FW.

2. I came here knowing a grand total of one person. It's more difficult to make friends when there are few/no connections. I know it's not necessarily true, but sometimes it seems like everyone here came with a bunch of friends from high school.

3. I don't belong to a fraternity, nor did I ever want to in the first place; Greek life doesn't appeal to me: the dressing up, the formalities, having to make good impressions, the rushing and pledging, etc. I'm not slamming Greek life; I have friends who are a part of it, and I'm sure it's fun and rewarding for those who are a into it, but for only 30ish percent of Samford students being Greek, you hear about Greek life ALL the time, which can get old when you're not a part of it.

4. A lot of people go home on the weekends, which isn't an option for me. Campus seems to go pretty dead on weekends.

5. Although I make fun of my friends from home who go to stricter Baptist colleges that have curfews and all that, I almost think it would be easier to meet people and make friends if everyone was required to be back in the same place by a certain time.

6. That's another thing - I couldn't name half the people on my hall, and even after a semester, I still see people who I didn't know lived on my hall.

7. I'm not in the Fellows Program, and I'm regretting that I didn't apply because I think I could have found several friends there among the "smart kids." I'm friends with the few people I've met who are in the program, but they since have their classes within the Fellows program, it's harder for them to be friends with the outside world. They're pretty much a cult. Recently one of them said something to the effect of, "Even if I weren't in the Fellows Program, I'd still be friends with ______ and ______ because they're awesome." My problem with that statement is, if that person had not been in the Fellows Program, there would be little chance that the person would even know ______ and ______, and even if they did know them, there would be no guarantee that they would get to know them well enough to find out that they are indeed "awesome." Anyway, I shouldn't be complaining- I'm friends with all three of the people in question.

8. Having dropped the music major (hallelujah!), I rarely see the music majors that I befriended last semester (bummer).

I could list several more, but I'll refrain. I need to complain less and act more.

In the small group I go to that I found through my church (I love it, both my small group and my church) we're reading a book called Knowing God. One of the points that the author makes early in the book is that people who know God have great contentment in God. This was incredibly convicting to read. How often do I live contently because I have such a powerful, merciful, loving God to serve? Here I am whining about my life.
The auther includes a small poem:

Lord, it belongs not to my care
Whether I die or live;
To love Thee is my share,
And this Thy grace must give.

If life be long I will be glad,
That I may long obey;
If short--then why should I be sad
To soar to endless day?

I've got to start living like I know my God. I've got to live to know God more intimately.

I've got to learn contentment in God.

Bagels...

...make for a scrumptious breakfast.

I just had a particularly awesome week.

On Thursday I went to Step Sing, and it rocked my face off. It was great! For those of you who don't know, Step Sing is a huge competition here at Samford in which various groups, clubs, fraternities, and sororities perform themed song-and-dance routines. It's a whole lot of fun to watch. Here's an example - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3AVVjd2kg.

Friday the 13th was a good day. I guess I'm not superstitious.

I just finished another book (I'm a reading machine nowadays) about a town that is continuously terrorized by a very creepy, messed-up cult that bombs anything it considers "unpretty." They also kidnap people who look similar to the figures in Michelangelo's The Last Judgment. In the end, they're finally defeated by the quirky protagonists. The book does an alarmingly good job of portraying America's obsession with "prettiness."

My parents are coming to visit me here in the 'ham next weekend!

It's a good day.

When Justice Is Bought and Sold...

I recently finished a book called The Heir. It is one of the best Christian fiction books I've ever read; I highly recommend it.

I feel compelled to give a synopsis, so don't read if you don't like spoilers: It's about a guy who inherits a billion dollars when his father dies. He takes over his father's job, determined not to be the greedy, corrupt man that his father was. As he begins to feel the stress and responsibilities of being a billionaire, mysterious events surround him. Shady acquaintances make sketchy business deals, and suspicious colleagues pressure him into making uncomfortable decisions. Soon it is revealed that his father's death was a murder. As the story progresses, a series of murders claim the lives of many of his acquaintances, friends, and family. He decides he just can't handle the pressures of being a billionaire anymore, and realizes that he is beginning to become exactly like his devious father. So, he divides the money it up and gives it to various foundations. Soon after that, he is wrongfully blamed for all of the murders, so he flees his home and travels sporadically throughout rural New York, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia, trying to stay unrecognized. With little money, a huge search warrant on his head, estranged friends and family who believe he is the killer, and injuries from being mugged, he hits rock bottom. When he goes back to New York to his only friend that still believes in his innocence, in a heart-wrenching moment, he figures out that that friend is the murderer! Eventually he is able to escape the friend's attempt to kill him, he exposes the friend's murders, and he is finally exonerated and able to go home to his friends and family.

"Around us the light faded and the twilight deepened. All we knew was silence. And in the silence, free of the babble of questions that had always torn at my mind and my thoughts, I knew that God had given me a life and a purpose."

You can call me absolutely pathetic, but this made me cry like a baby, and that's not something I do very often at all, let alone admit to doing when it does happen. Maybe it's because it was 2:00 in the morning when I read it, and it really quelled my fears caused by being clueless of what my future looks like. Anyway, it was just the perfect thought at that moment in the book, having been reunited with his family and friends, proven innocent, and learning some very hard lessons after being scorched by his position as hotshot billionaire.

Whew.

Grace + Peace

Thursday.

Thursday is my favorite day of the weekdays, and it always has been.

My weeks tend to go something like this:
1. Monday is the nice, fresh start to the school week, but sometimes getting back into the swing of things after a relaxing weekend can be tough.
2. Usually by Tuesday I'm ready to face the week, but if there's not a whole lot of work to be done, I can be kinda lazy, and laziness wastes important time.
3. Wednesday is the busiest day of the week, so it tends to be either very good or very not-so-good depending on the balance between the work I accomplish and my stress level.
4. Thursday! I don't know what it is about Thursday that makes it so great. Perhaps it's when I best strike the balances between classes, homework, social events, relaxation, and time spent with the Lord. Maybe it's because I've evaluated my week thus far and have decided how it can be bettered. I don't know.
5. Fridays are fine, but it's easy to be impatient while sitting through classes knowing that there's a weekend imminent.

That's not to say that every week of my life is exactly like this, but it seems to be the most recognizable, stereotypical pattern through my middle school and high school years.

Having explained all of this, I've realized that I've got to make this week pattern stop. Throw a wrench in it.

In a psychology class that I took recently, we learned that stereotypes exist and persist because we let them exist and persist. Once our mind has adhered to a stereotype, we tend to ignore (and often subconsciously ignore) observations that contradict the stereotype of the thing or people in question. It's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That being said, I feel that since I begin a week expecting it to go the stereotypical way, I simply allow it to turn out that way. Why should I work harder on one day over another? Why should I settle for less one day and shoot for more on another? Why not work hard every day?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heat, as working for the Lord, not for men, since your know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24

My life needs to reflect this verse everyday. Not just on Thursdays.