vagrant thoughts on the year

tooth ow sand L. even

the first half i lived in a foreign country.  whoa.

traveled a lot a lot a lot.

watched my bro get married.

i didn't know what to do with my life.  and now i do.

i graduated college.

i said goodbye to many friends, some for the time being, and some a bit more permanently.

i met loads of new people and made many new friends.

i got a job - my first since high school.

not to be a total buzzkill, but many of these events were somewhat anticlimactic.  it's not that they weren't fun or exciting.  they totally were.  they just didn't feel as crazy or sudden as i expected they would.  there were surprisingly few AHA! moments.  but, that is okay.  i'm not complaining.  just thinking.  on the other hand, there were many climactic moments, both good and bad, that were totally unexpected.  eh, it's life.

this has been the most change that has ever been packed into one year of my life.  at this point, it has become the new normal.  and i've grown used to it.  coming from someone who couldn't even rearrange his room as a kid because he'd start to really miss the way it was before, this means a lot.

most importantly, i've seen God's faithfulness time and time again, in the biggest trials i've faced yet.  each passing year, they seem to get bigger, meaner, heavier, only for God to show up in bigger, awesomer, more glorious ways.  like, really.  he's kind of a big deal.  praise him!

so, yeah.  2011.  it was nice knowin' ya.  but you're history now.  and i will treat you as just that.

"No more let sins and sorrows grow,
nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
far as the curse is found."

-"Joy to the World"

Herr Groves

you leave the heart of dixie for the volunteer state

in hopes of a better...everything.

you find that you are to live with

another goer from none other than reno, nv.

you hesitate at the first [online] impression.

as you get to know this native american latino 3/4 white, 1/4 asian guy, however,

you find a quite a genuine heart

for Jesus, country music, the guitar, good food, and pale ales.

there's a point at which you come to realize that

even if you are unable to make any other good friends in this new place,

you would be perfectly content being friends with just this kid.

the years of being froommates [friends + roommates]

have had their share of joys, inside jokes, laughter, good times,

sorrows, burdens, and struggles,

and you wouldn't trade them for a thing.

a glorious journey, it has been.

this man will be missed.

Stabilitätsmangel

"You're a boy who is tired of saying, 'So long...'"

---

it has been a while since i've spent more than two years [let alone two whole years] physically in the same place, and it may be a while yet.

i'm here or there just long enough for the dust to settle, seeds to be sown, and roots to be grown - a little bit.

much of the time, it's a lot of fun. the newness. the excitement. the journey. the changes of scenery. meeting and befriending new people. it sharpens one's adaptability.

at other times, it's rough. never feeling like you can fully stretch out your legs and just relax. the fear of becoming too invested in a place that you know you'll be leaving soon. friendships cut short. feeling like you've left something cooking on the stove unattended as you drive away.

i will embrace this stability deficiency while it lasts. and it may last a long, long, time. but, i know there's a permanent home prepared for me, and it's not on this lil' blue planet.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

-Rev. 21:14

COM[m]unity

you weren't expecting this. not this night.

you sit in a room with a group of people you've known for a little less than two years, most for less than six months. friendly acquaintances easily outnumber close friends.

what begins as a fairly standard gathering gradually turns into an intensely edifying, Spirit-filled evening.

real struggles, worries, cares, and joys laid out in the open. barriers broken down. tears shed. praises sung. all confronted by overwhelmingly solid truth, and the thickness of His presence.

the words spoken, the people present, all that happened in the way it did - it could not have been a coincidence. it was wanted and willed. a sovereign God was behind it, in front of it, over it, underneath it, in it.

He's too good not to be true.

A Most Happy Birthday

to a classy new member of the family!

Nerdy Infographic

locations of PA schools under consideration

Awakening Sampler

I am supermegaproud of these people.

hyperalgesia

ever since the blustery january of oh nine,

you have felt things more acutely.

in fact, it seems that with each passing year,

your pain threshold

becomes lower, lower, lower.

what? why?

what made the stiff upper lip

so much more attainable in the years prior?

why is it that things that used to be so easy to deflect

now cut deep?

is this a good thing? a bad thing? both? for whom and for what?

the answers aren't easy to calculate.

remember your savior. he knows about this far better than you.

man of sorrows, what a name!

in the face of his sacrifice,

your pinpricks are of little consequence.

you're gonna feel what you're gonna feel,

but don't let it prevent you from putting one foot in front of the other.

Contentment...

is a fickle friend when you expect your circumstances to make you happy.

Friday, Black

-slept until 7:45 a.m., which is sleeping in for me nowadays. i got 10 hours of sleep, something that has happened approximately twice before in my entire life. or since infancy, perhaps.

-laundry, dishes, and cleaning

-watched a couple episodes of Lie to Me

-tried ironing some clothes for the first time, ever. i was terrible at it, and laughed at myself.

-time with Jesus

-went on a little drive and got lost for a bit

-had coffee at Sam and Zoe's for the first time

-bought some glasses at T.J. Maxx

-bought some sweatpants at Goodwill

-played with my pastor's dalmatian, Murphy, who is being dogsat by one of my roommates

-ate at Panera with Sam and then watched Sister Act II. i haven't laughed that hard in a while.

ahhh, what a day.

simple, but nice. and much-needed.

dwell not

on yesterday, yesterweek, yestermonth, yesteryear.

yes, sometimes it's tempting to wish yourself back

to a time when things seemed easier,

simpler,

better,

clearer,

more lighthearted,

and more fun.

but, in the end,

you're just being too sentimental for your own good.

all of the money in the world could not bring back yesterday.

whatever happened, happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

the globe will continue to spin and the sun will rise and set as usual.

He made it that way on purpose.

---

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

-Isaiah 43:18-19

"Not by my might,

nor my power, nor by the strength of souls,

only through Your love, my Lord.

All that's lost will be restored."

-Josh Garrels, "Rise"

0.238 Lives Ago

cheese-coated cheese with cheesy filling dipped in queso

sometimes, it's nice to look back and see how far you've come.

right now, it's easy for me to be jealous of his seemingly carefree life,

but, half a decade later in the present is where i am, and

all cares aside, i'm happy with where i have ended up, and not that he could have ever

imagined it, but i think he would be, too.

Like your own life.

Occupy your own skin.

You have a name and a face. Own 'em.

Envy not the lives of friends x, y, and z. It's pointless. You will never be them.

Walk in your own shoes.

Perhaps your ship is sinking because you've deserted it. Re-man it. Slam those watertight compartments shut. Retool. Renovate.

Clothe yourself with Christ. Nobody else's clothing, no matter how stylish, will satisfy.

Changes.

I see them.

I feel them.

They're picking up,

rushing like an oncoming hurricane,

but the result

will not be a disaster.

Soli Deo gloria.

Mom, Esq.

bein’ all classy and such

sounds like a tv show,

perhaps a legal dramedy

about a lawyer mother in the suburbs

trying to have it all.

the reality, thankfully, is far better than that tv show would be,

mostly because

reality is real.

real lawyer moms > fictional lawyers moms

any day, if you ask me.

any mother who can be a lawyer and an amazing homemaker

while still being a super darn good mom

deserves a cacophony of commendation.

a very happy birthday

to my favorite one!

Hallobirthday

two thousand ten A.D.

you stand and watch from three years behind,

three years that often feel like thirty,

and at other times, point zero three.

from your vantage point,

it's hard not to compare yourself.

will you be as good as him at _____?

how will people see you in relation?

will you ever be as organized,

suave,

stylish,

or cool, calm, and collected?

the resounding "no" fades, thankfully,

as things change in the light of young adulthood kicking into full form.

what lies ahead

are more good times to be had,

the continued joy of having someone older and wiser [but not by too much],

and more hallobirthdays.

---

Happy 25th!

The Ticking Clock

you stand in the wooded hills of the volunteer state's second grand division

on a short respite from the daily grind

that isn't technically yours.

you weasel your way into the mix anyway.

you are surrounded by friends, new, old, in-between,

some casual, some close, others closest.

so much good, clean fun is had,

and great conversations flow in abundance.

the self machine, with all its cogs and gears and wires

begins to whir, beep, and jingle

as it calculates the remaining time you have with these people.

sirens wail and crimson warning lights flash violently

as the countdown appears on the screen.

every second that disappears is a deafening pound of a timpani.

your heart reaches out in all directions with tentacled arms in a desperate attempt

to draw these people and this place nearer and dearer.

the thought of it all ending so soon is simply indigestible.

it sits like a stone in your stomach.

the manufacturer of all of this swoops in to pacify the chaos.

he reminds you that you are not consigned to a lonely, vagabond existence,

and that there will be more seasons. new people, new places, new seeds to be sown.

the clock continues to tick,

tick,

tick,

tick,

but slowly,

with each passing tick,

you are able to bear it more and more.

Pess[t]imism

The half-empty glass.

I was explaining to a good friend last night that I always expect and assume the worst in situations so that when they turn out to be better than the horror I anticipated, I am pleasantly surprised.

"I'm pretty sure I just FAILED that test."

* * *

"Oh, a 90%. Relief."

This phenomenon most recently occurred when I got my job. I expected it to be something that I would eventually begin to dread getting up for in the morning. I expected selfish, impatient supervisors and rude, angry, disagreeable customers.

I have been so relieved to find that I actually really enjoy the work that I do. My supervisors are great, and most of the customers are pretty nice.

But, as my friend made me realize, the burden of expecting the worst is simply not worth it. Being weighed down for weeks based on [what is probably] a lie that you have told yourself is not a good way to live.

Even if the reality is that something may not be so great, I've got a source of joy and hope and freedom, and ignoring that source is not okay.

---

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

-Galatians 5:1

"You are too young to be that cynical."

-Mrs. Ross, my eighth-grade social studies teacher

Hometown Glory

Whilst organizing my photos the other day, I stumbled across this picture that I took with an old cell phone at Dunnegan Park in good ol' Bolivar, Missouri a few days shy of two years ago.

Bolivar, Missouri. The bubble. The epitome of "small town." The first eighteen years of me. Where everybody knows your name, or at least your mother's name or father's name or sibling's name.

This picture got me thinking about how different my life has been post-Bolivar. Three years split unevenly between three different cities, one of them currently on a second run.

The other day, I joked with a fellow Bolivarian that my experience growing up in Bolivar lied to me about how the rest of the world functions. The reality is, it's true. I'm tempted to be really nerdy and sociological here, but I'll boil it down to the fact that the small town experience is the minority in this country.

Thus, the past three years have involved much "grown-up growing up." Meeting people from many different walks of life. Learning that not everywhere is as cozy, "safe," and sheltered as Bolivar. Seeing that my experiences don't always reflect those of many people, if not most people. It's been an enriching process, and I have really enjoyed the journey. They have been some of the best years of my life.

But, I can't say I would trade my upbringing in the 65613

for any other.

The Polemic

He fights with his words.

He carefully forms arguments

to outdo those of the opposition.

He questions and challenges and problematizes.

He is cynical and disagreeable.

Sometimes he "wins,"

sometimes he doesn't.

But, at the heart,

does he care more about being the victor

or seeking the truth?

Cracking the Whip

My tongue

and lips and teeth and palates and larynx and trachea

scheme deviously,

working together to form sounds into words and phrases and sentences

that really should not emit from my mouth:

words and phrases and sentences that burn and deceive and destroy.

No matter how much I threaten these articulators

with the ferocious crack of my whip,

they continue to hatch their evil plans.

After becoming exhausted in my attempt to put them in line,

I find that I have been admonishing the wrong culprits;

the real mastermind

lies much deeper than its henchmen,

and cracking the whip

won't make it beat differently.

---

James 3:1-13

cup o'

or "cuppa," if you prefer.

a metaphor for many different things in many different countries,

thanks to the empire on which the sun formerly never set.

which metaphor shall i use?

i don't know.

but tonight, duke of earl the grey

soothes my coughy throat better than coffee

whilst another monarch soothes my soul -

He whose kingdom is infinitely greater than Queen Victoria's ever was.

The Fall.

the season of autumn, not the bite into the fruit.

though it is not scheduled to arrive until later this week,

i can already feel it blustering its way in.

i welcome it at the door.

it bears gifts of cool air, changed leaves, a different sunlight, mood music, and spicy, pumpkin-flavored everything.

i take its coat and hat.

"come in. take a seat. summer was just leaving."

it is not until summer gets up and bids me farewell that i realize how great its visit had been and how significant it was for my life.

i fight back a pang of distress as i watch it depart.

i return my attention to fall, and i see upon its face a fresh, new start.

it is only then that i am able to accept and cherish the summer for what it was,

but also to embrace this new season for what it is

and what it will be.

---

Ecclesiastes 3:11

A Tale of Autocentricity

I return

to the same zip code

changed.

A stranger in a familiar land.

My gray matter, selfish it may be,

secretly hopes that people realize

these changes, these developments, this newfangled maturity

gained during the half-year's absence.

I have lived, I tell you, lived!

My gray matter, selfish once again,

turns a blind eye to the fact

that others have lived

just as much

in the same amount of time.

As a result,

I expect everything else

and everyone else

to be the same

as when I left.

The truth,

as it often does,

recently knocked me over the head

and set that gray matter straight.

...and I'm thankful it did.

---

Philippians 2:4

Be tasty.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice."

-Ephesians 4:31

Be salty salt.

Scratch that.

I am employed.

No, it's not my ideal job.

But, it's a job,

and after two months of searching,

I'm just glad to have one.

And actually, there are lots of great things about it.

When I list them in my mind, I laugh at my initial dismal reaction to the offer.

Above that, even, there's joy.

"The world don't give it and the world can't take it away..."

Sense of Entitlement.

Do I have one?

If so, I'll get rid of it. I hereby waive my ownership.

My name on the dotted line.

Do I think I'm a shoe-in?

I'll relinquish that thought, too.

I will omit all delusions of grandeur, as well as any feelings of superiority from the terms and conditions.

I grant you the right to file as many suits as you like for asking the following question:

Is it crazy for me to expect to get job as a 21-year-old college graduate that I could not have gotten as a 16-year-old high schooler?

I don't mean to be bitter, and I don't mean to complain uselessly,

but honestly,

I don't think it's that crazy.

Things

are gonna be holier this time around.

That's not a New Year's resolution, nor is it me just trying harder.

It's sanctification.

"Stop thinking of God's will like a corn maze, or a tightrope, or a bull's-eye."

-Kevin DeYoung in Just Do Something

The Graduate

He sees two roads: the road ahead, and the road behind.

But, they're really two parts of the same road.

He sees the dusty footprints behind.

He sees the fresh, open road ahead.

He sees totally cliche images.

Neither the stage he crossed nor that sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp brought about miraculous changes.

He still makes mistakes.

He struggles to write, think, be creative.

He trips over flat surfaces.

Yet, grace continues its monsoon season.

New starts, new opportunities, new relationships.

More clarity, more understanding, more joy.

He did approximately nothing to deserve these things.

It's pretty scandalous, this road.

Elementary, Secondary...Tertiary.

In less than 40 hours,

a sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp

will be one of the last remaining pieces of material evidence

that this place is a part of me.

The sheet will reveal my bachelorhood

in the art of studying society

cum laude, de Universitas Belmontiae,

in Nasburgum, Tennesia,

Civitates Foederatae Americae.

This sheet of pressed, dried, wooden pulp,

nor any other sheet,

could really convey the significance

of this place and time in my life.

As intensely nostalgic as I could get

about popcorn and cards,

Weber, Durkheim, the matrix of domination, and the sociological imagination,

Goethe, gute, und Gott,

candles, records, coffee, and guitars,

v-necks, skinny jeans, sneakers, and plaid,

I will refrain,

and not in the musical way.

But, do believe that I would do it all over again.

Eight One of Eighty-One

That makes three decades,

and I must say,

out of the two point one

that I've known them,

they've been

pretty crazy about each other.

No complaints here.

Only first class honors.

Happy anniversary

to my favorite parents in the world!

Eat/Sleep Schedule

I need to get a consistent one, or

A: I will pass out due to low blood sugar.

B: I will pass out due to sleeplessness.

The Minimalist

After trying too hard,

thinking excessively,

getting lost in the details,

seeing problems that aren't actually there,

making absurd leaps of logic,

schlepping too many boxes,

asking too many questions,

correcting everybody but himself,

loading his plate too full,

having eyes bigger than his stomach, his heart, his lungs, his hands, his feet, his head,

expecting far too much from the dust,

and spinning endlessly on a tilt-a-whirl,

he is born.

Matthew 7:13

Vergebung

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

-Mark Twain

This One Place

Nashville, Tennessee.

Oh, how I've missed you.

It has been

a long time coming, but it's finally here,

and oh, how real it is.

I think

I like where this road has taken me.

Yeah.

That seems right.

Diem Bipolar

Rough start,

heartfelt conversation, coffee, and goodbye,

cumbersome moments with strangers,

some happy/sad goodbyes,

excellent conversation with family,

stressful thoughts,

funny conversation,

painstaking trashectomy,

r&r.

I urge the pendulum to not take another swing.

But, if it does,

I'll be prepared.

a time to tear, and a time to mend

the white blood cells wage war

the wound is stitched closed

the brain cells recover

the heart's murmur becomes softer and fainter

the tumor gets smaller and smaller and smaller

and i, the cynical, ungrateful, impatient patient,

even while being swallowed up by such hope and life,

ask if they will win

ask when it will heal and if it will scar

ask how that is even possible

ask if it will ever be silent

ask when it will finally disappear

and in spite of my selfish and sardonic attitude,

i am lovingly reminded to be still

and know that He is the good surgeon

and to take heart

and wait for Him.

Pro-cras-tin-ation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37wR_TWdVy0

Ambivalent

This picture epitomizes two of the many things that I miss about the United States of America: the food, and driving.

This picture epitomizes two of the many things I will miss when I leave the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: the people in my church, and the cool weather.

that moment

when you know exciting things are happening

the butterflies start to flitter in your stomach

you're almost there

you've almost won

like the last point of the match: deuce, advantage in

but there's still some work to be done

so you maintain a calm, collected appearance

you suppress the smile that's attacking the corners of your mouth

and you keep a death grip on that racquet, that steering wheel, that pencil, that telephone, that coffee mug.

this, too.

time stands still at 4:23 pm, 2/3/09, in 35242.

you are in a house owned by nobody -- yet.

you are alone, in more ways than one.

and it hurts.

the watch beeps at 2:33 pm, 4/25/09, in 37212.

you are feeling relief, for the first time in months.

your life is changing for the better,

heading down a different path with different goals in different places.

the clock strikes 9:02 pm, 5/14/09, in 65613.

you walk with a friend

and recant the horrors of the previous months,

but you feel ever so prepared for what is ahead.

the siren sounds at 10:30 am, 7/27/09 in 30303.

you relax in a park with friends you've known for months, years, a lifetime.

you finally feel a bit of separation from the desert before,

and you happily anticipate the garden to come.

the hourglass freezes at 10:34 pm, 1/29/10, on the border of 37212 and 37204.

you inhale fresh, cold air and survey the snowy landscape.

you've never felt so willing to just be where you are.

no need to look forward, no need to look back.

the sun shines its midday rays at 11:42 am, 12/18/10, in 37212

you take one last glance at the place where you grew. a lot.

the glance makes you recall awful things, wonderful things, and everything in between.

it's hard for you to depart, but the excitement held by the near future allows you to drive away.

bells toll at 3:47 pm, 3/11/11, in DE45.

you pant furiously after hiking up a large hill.

a gentle rain cools down your face.

it reminds you that all that you've seen,

all that you've experienced,

and all that you've felt

is not in vain.

He makes all things new.

"To travel...

...is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries."

-Aldous Huxley

the other day i realized that the things i thought would be the hardest have actually been the easiest and that the things that i thought would be easy have actually been hard and the things that i thought would be similar have actually been different and the things that i thought would be different have actually been similar and the things that i expected to encounter problems with have actually been trouble-free and the things that i didn't expect to encounter problems with have actually been troublesome.

but, with each new day, i feel more and more even.

"...that's a little stone, that's a little mortar

that's a little seed, that's a little water..."

-Sara G.

Ermutigung

"The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each one to his home, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have said this to you, so that in me you have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!"

-Jesus, in John 16:32-33

hot. diggity.

He's good.

Well,

these past couple decades have been pretty good.

baby steps.

little manifestations of growth and progress.

they happen continuously.

they're not very obvious as you make them.

in the midst of the hustle and the bustle,

they're easy to miss.

in a moment of frustration,

i force myself to stop and look for them:

and there they are,

imprints all the way from square one to where i stand now.

and i find my self a little less frustrated,

a little more patient,

and a little more encouraged.

Oh, Serendipity.

"What he thought he wanted,

what he got instead

leaves him broken and grateful."

the weighty beast

i left the places i knew, ambitions high, hopes higher, expectations highest.

i was okay with leaving the places i knew for the time being.

after all, i had been preparing for this for weeks, months, years.

i had bid the appropriate farewells.

my relationships with friends and family were solid.

i knew how i would go about keeping in touch.

the place i was going - i had studied it thoroughly.

i knew what to expect.

i had surveyed its history.

i had examined its geography.

i had learned about its culture.

i had kept up with its news.

i had been there before.

i was ready for the experience of foreign living and studying.

i felt mature.

i felt responsible.

i felt flexible.

i felt low-maintenance.

i felt travel-savvy.

i felt that these qualities would serve me well in my upcoming experiences.

i knew what i wanted.

i wanted to experience the local culture firsthand.

i wanted to get to know the university.

i wanted to get to know the city.

i wanted to travel.

* * *

a month later,

reality looks me in the face.

i swivel my head toward it.

heart pounding, fists clenched, and knuckles white, i meet its gaze.

it's painful. it's weighty. it's real.

under the brutality of its inquisition, some of the things that I felt and thought and knew a month ago are reduced to dust. some things are cracked and shaken, but still there. some things stand strong. some things are totally immune, because they were in fact real from the get-go.

it's a harrowing procedure. it's a terrifying process.

i will count it joy.

back so soon

i sit alone, in the darkness, in a foreign land

torn in many directions, geographically, emotionally

i look back at the past year and a half -

the best year and a half of ≈21 years.

i see so many blessings. so many new friends made, so many friendships strengthened, so many old friendships transformed into new friendships.

so much fun had, so many new things experienced, so much fellowship.

i am not blinded by this nostalgia. i fully and deeply remember that the grass was not always so green...oh, there were some rough times.

many mistakes, many struggles, many misunderstandings, many moments of confusion and frustration, much devastation and reform.

all of this, however, was engulfed by overwhelming healing, understanding, and abounding love.

so many lessons learned, so many prayers answered, so much growth, so much refinement.

i close my eyes and long to fill those spaces again: 2528-b bernard circle. making popcorn and watching lost with my roommate. playing cards and drinking coffee with a new group of friends. late night conversations and relaxing music. plowing through homework of all kinds - easy, hard, time-consuming. enjoying visits from friends and family back home. staring out from the balcony at the city around.

2012 15th avenue south: living the semi-adult life of being responsible for my own residence. moving in, organizing, paying bills, getting things fixed - some of it easy, some of it frustratingly not. sweating through a ferociously hot, outwardly placid yet inwardly chaotic summer. feeling like i had two homes, and liking that feeling. having extremely difficult but necessary conversations in the kitchen. hanging out with a huge group of believers, out of which came loads of new friends. crowding around a laptop to watch avatar. packing up and moving forward.

i could go on and on.

as i sit here, thousands of miles away from all of the homes i have known, i am conflicted.

i have never been more sure of god's faithfulness. he is wonderful, and his promises are firm.

yet

in my humanity, i am terrified. of the present, of the future. i have felt this many times before, and i know that the rest of the world has, as well. this time, however, i don't even feel like i have any details anymore.

it's a trust fall from a cliff...encompassed by a thick fog.

and i trust him. i read about his goodness thousands of human years ago, and i see it in my own life today.

i have faith. i really do. but i am weak, wounded, sick, and sore.

say a little prayer for me.