Forward Motion...

...is harder than it sounds.

I have diagnosed myself with Hyper Denial Syndrome (HDS).

I don't know exactly when I came to this realization, but lately it has been revealed to me how much I pretend my problems/others' problems don't exist and that everything is just peachy keen.

I think this stems from a desire to appear as if I have no problems, no issues, and no worries. I've always wanted to be seen as a stoic, resilient, bold, strong guy with thick skin who is not affected by setbacks or problems of any kind. I've always wanted to appear in control. I obviously have quite a bit of humility to learn in addition to overcoming the denial.

I thought that I dealt with reputation/name issues long ago, but in reality, I've just denied that they're there, and now I am facing them head-on for the first time.

It's tough. It's no simple thing to face my own selfishness and other personal flaws which that selfishness entails. It's not easy to admit that I have been too weak and lazy to look my imperfections in the face and deal with them and learn lessons and ask forgiveness and make things right with God and pray for heart renovation and surge forward.

...but I've got to.

It's the point at which I learn the most about God.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
You're up to something bigger than me,
larger than life, something heavenly.
("Whatever You're Doing" - Sanctus Real. Good song.)

The chaos is the hard part to navigate. It seems as though I'm teetering on the brink of collapse. As valid as my feelings my be, my Savior identifies with sufferers more than I could even know. For that reason alone, I know there's hope. I've never been more sure of it.

We've seen the tragic flaws, the tortured souls,
the saints with feet of clay; here's where sin becomes cliche
We've come through wilderness and watched
the cloud by day, the burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong, you are not lost,
come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong, you and I run
for the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure, get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

("Stay Strong" - Newsboys. Another good song.)

Life's good.